2007/07-Most Recent: Old
"All the New's Too Old to
WARNING: If strong
language offends, please leave this site NOW.
PLEASE STAND BY
(Actually, you'd better take a seat.)
Recent events have brought to our attention that the religious
zealots are still targeting this website and continue to lurk in the
corners, despite our recent blocking of inappropriate IP#'s.
At first, it was just the local Taliban, but now it might even be Al
Qaeda himself, or at least what appears to be robotic humanoid
automatons. Certainly, these ain't people.
Also, the count of avid readers coming to the American Road
Cycling website is a number that continues doubling at a steady
The next (soon to be) doubling will render impossible the current
techniques of reliable personalized tracking of reader interest.
That situation threatens the very essence of this website, which
strives to avoid the "person as statistic" bullshit universally used
by our ubiquitous multinational corporate minders.
Therefore, American Road Cycling is retiring into
executive session in order to work out the details of ways and
means for enhanced tactical methods to put a stop to those who would
destroy us. This won't be pretty.
Premium Subscribers are being given special access to a
secured area on this website, where the usual American Road
articles and discussions continue unabated, hidden away from prying
The hard part will be to allow the "public" version to remain
accessible (though static) while the "real work" moves to the new
The easy part will be hiding out from the .gov monitor lizards who
think they can figure out where we went. Good luck, boys.
For the time being, the Chatter Box will remain active, in
order for Standard Subscribers (those who are left behind) to
still post their necessary thoughts and communications.
Otherwise, the excellent content to which you are accustomed is
going underground, so more aggressively seditious techniques may be
applied to enhance our control of the world's populace, and so these
methods may be discussed and refined in private.
In the highly unlikely event that SlingShot manages to avoid
Gitmo (or whatever those assholes will call their next generation
Gulag), the content being added to this website will eventually be
restored to the open light of day under the auspices of the new
(radically different) society of true democratic freedoms that we
Otherwise, you may never hear of SlingShot again (outside the
proliferation of rumor); but, happily, our review of website usage
log reveals that whenever SlingShot shuts up, people begin
reading the Old New's and articles just as if they were
returning to their favorite novel.
Plus, all the new people will be satisfied by going back to stuff
they missed the first time around. The archived articles are just as
funny—and every bit as relevant—as the recent ones.
In any case, the first rule of secrecy (from the handbook that will
be given to you with your new access code) will be this: "If anybody
asks about your relationship to American Road Cycling, or the
whereabouts of SlingShot (and his much beloved articles),
please wink and reply, 'I don't know. I was not given an access
code. I believe he is just taking a break.'"
Good day, and good luck to you.
(PS: It has been quite a ride.)
Editor's Note: Fortunately, a number of Bobby Bones
jerseys were found and acquired online, so Bob Fugett will continue
his public appearances acting as the SlingShot decoy as well
as an attractive nuisance for a little while longer.
One final note: Twin Lynn, there's no need to check
for photos of Twin George in order to confirm his
whereabouts. He is ALWAYS at the Hump, especially if he says
he missed an appointment because he overslept.
One other final note: During our (apparent) absence you may
(on your own) test for robotic humanoids by observing how they treat
Georgy Girl. The more poorly they treat her, the more likely
they are humanoid.
One definitely final note: Don't waste your time testing for
humanoidosis by trying to remember how anybody treated SlingShot.
He was treated uniformly the same by all, and he deserved it.
See you soon—in the Premium Subscribers Lounge.
From: Lauren Warren
Well, you are waaayyyyy too fast with all the race info on the
American Road Cycling site.
[See: 07/24/07 article with Lake Placid results]
Michele raced her little legs off this past Sunday. I am so
incredibly proud of her. She suffered a bit on the bike and run.
She did a major no-no for race day. She switched her nutrition. Half
way through the bike, she had trouble taking in any nutrition, and
it just continued on the run. But, I am so glad she was an official
My results would have meant nothing to me had she not been an
official finisher, especially since this was her baby, and I was
just along to be out on the course with her.
I had a great race, and could not wipe the smile off of my face the
entire time. It was sooooo much FUN!!!!!
I can see why people get hooked on the longer distances. I also
qualified for the World Championship Ironman in Kona, Hawaii.
I was totally surprised. I have always wanted to see Hawaii, so we
will be on our way for the race on October 13, 2007. Therefore...
more long training for another 2+ months ;).
I will look forward to riding some more with the group, it really is
a confidence booster. I was thinking of our 4th of July ride quite a
few times during the race and, like I just said, having had such a
great ride with all of you—just days after my half Ironman at
Tupper—it gave me a lot of confidence while I was doing the bike
portion of Lake Placid.
Not to mention how fun it is to ride with all of you characters ;).
So, it is a few days of rest and then back to work, or should I say
play ;). Hope you are having nothing but great riding days down in
Editor's Note: Anybody still confused about why we call Lauren's
other half Michelle, Schmoopie? Pretty clear, huh?
Unfortunately, Michele did not send us an e-mail. However, if you
swap the names Michele and Lauren in the e-mail above, it will read
just as though Michele had sent it. Take it from us: we've heard it
Except maybe for Lauren's little part about, "...I was just along to
be out on the course...," and her Lake Placid Ironman age
group 4th Place finish plus her World Championship
qualification were both, sort of, kinda, smiling,
Well, even Schmoopies need to have someone to get pissed off
at and shoot for.
So if you read this, Michele, smack Lauren one for us, to remind
her we are always happy to make her feel strong. While you're at it,
think about how so very much prouder of you she will be when you
finally get around to kicking her ass and wiping that smile off her
face. Start with the smaller hills.
ASTOUNDING LAKE PLACID
There were tons of people competing at last Sunday's 2007 Lake
Placid Ironman... and that was just Zirra.
Actually there were 2,208 competitors. Here are the summary numbers
for people we have ridden with:
||Out of 2208
goes to Lauren Warren who is making a comeback after illness. The
last time we saw her name listed in a big race, it was something
like 2600 competitors, and she won her division with a 7th
overall...NO...that is not 7th for women, that is 7th for people!
Lauren is well on
her way back to that podium.
also goes to Lauren Salvatore. This was her first big competition;
and, well... she profoundly kicked the butts of 482 people.
also goes to Kevin Hetzel, because he shouldn't even be allowed on a
bicycle, never mind running it up hills in front of chagrined
also goes to Michele Yasson, because she has an actual life, and
still manages to hurt more deserving people than you are probably
ever likely to know.
also goes to them all, because they finished the Ironman, and you
Unless you know
about such stuff, there's probably not enough special mentions in
the world to get you to understand what it takes... you sorry ass
You didn't show
up, so all four of them kicked your ass as well, which means the
2,208 is a rather conservative number for establishing an
What we found most
astounding in these numbers was the Men's 30-34 Division where there
were 17 fatter fucks than Zirra.
Here are photos of
these ARC-aholics from our files:
Lauren Warren, 07/04/07
4th of July Friendly 70 Miler
Lauren Salvatore, 07/06/07
Kevin Hetzel, 07/06/07
Dr. Michele Yasson, from a Google search
(like we said, she's got a life)
again, the summary: Dr. Michele Yasson beat 215 people, Kevin Hetzel
beat 267 people, Lauren Salvatore beat 482 people, and Lauren Warren
beat 1,836 people.
SlingShot really feels a connection with our heroes of Lake
Placid, because he himself once beat 3 people in the Silver Mine
Time Trial. Better than that, once a long time ago, he was not
the very last person to finish the Hump.
One other truly astounding tidbit we heard was that 80% of all
the competition at the 2007 Lake Placid Ironman was fit to a
bicycle by Paul Latrine... and that was just Zirra.
No article today. There's been a bit of a diversion.
The Widder is all pissed off, because she had to go down to
the local hoosegow and bail out SlingShot. Apparently, like
all other new-breed uber-males, he was busted for dog fighting.
After she bailed him out, Mary made Slingshot visit the
animal hospital to see the results of his "Sport."
Therefore, no article today, but we did manage to get SlingShot
to comment on the events.
"I know there are lots of people disgusted by dog fighting (Mary
included), and it was politically incorrect on my part, but I am
definitely NOT going to apologize. That little motherfucker was
barking at me, so of course I fought back."
TODAY'S HUMP PHOTOS
Download Kim did not show up for the Hump today. We
were told that she was down in the city for a modeling photo shoot.
We followed-up and learned that she was really pissed off
afterwards. She was hoping to keep the clothes, but there were no
Too bad, Kim. You could have come to the Hump and enjoyed
watching The Gapper work like a dog pulling SlingShot
all the way home from the Jolly Onion, after SlingShot went
out a half hour early, paced 14 mph for 30 miles waiting for the
AA's to wear The Gapper down enough (by the time they caught
him) for him to stay on The Gapper's wheel.
The Slow A's are all bent out of shape over losing The
Gapper to the foul clutches of the Double AA's and that
reprehensible conniver SlingShot.
Don't worry Slow A's, the The Gapper will return, and
you will be disappointed.
Important message about starts and finishes of Big-V rides. It will
be linked from the home page till enough people see it.
Probably explains a lot.
Due to numerous complaints regarding our publication of the
Download Kim photos, we decided to perform a survey of public
Following are the pole results:
Public opinion sways in favor against stiffening opposition.
Editors Note: We apologize for being unable to prevent the
imposter slut setting up her own poling booth. Unfortunately, it is
a public parking lot.
THURSDAY TRAILSIDE 07/12/07
Somebody at the Hump last week mentioned that people had been
downloading illegal copies of Download Kim and using them as
wallpaper for their Windows Desktops.
In a run-up to the litigation (where we expect to recoup a sizeable
amount of hard cold cash) we sneaked around and took a survey of
people's computer screens while they were away from their desks.
Here are the results (no rollover texts):
Chuckie's (in the woods)
All Sullivan County Government Mainframes
The Black Widow's
Kevin Douchebag Haley's
We are going to be fucking RICH... and we will never break into
Paul's house again.
DOWNLOAD KIM REVEALED
Warning: There will be links and/or photos in this article
which some viewers may find distasteful. Please observe appropriate
caution while reading.
First, an Official Notification: American Road Cycling
has recently been called to task by some viewers for the use of
strong language, innuendo, and questionable content. In particular
SlingShot has come under fire for his rant against religion.
Therefore, American Road Cycling is taking a proactive stance
and will be blocking a number of IP#'s from the website in order to
protect offended individuals from their rubber necking around these
We do not have the technology to block IP#'s in a selective manner,
so the chosen numbers will require having their access blocked in
full. The considerate step that we are taking will spare unhappy
viewers the shock of seeing what has become the standard fare here.
SlingShot himself routinely clicks off of websites which
display material not to his liking. In fact, he has his TV tuner set
to skip all channels that show religious programming, because he
finds it highly offensive.
Not all people have SlingShot's discipline, so American
Road Cycling is helping out by removing the temptation to read
this website by disabling access for known sensitive IP#'s.
Many of you will notice no break in service whatsoever. We are sure
those viewers who are blocked will be quite happy that we did this
for them, but they need not bother to thank us.
The IP# blocking will begin on or around midnight 07/19/07. You will
know if you are affected, because you will no longer be able to get
If you find your IP# has not been blocked, but you wish it to be
done, merely mention to SlingShot how he might improve his
website more to your liking, and he will block your access
Now, to the revealing photos of Download Kim: You will
notice the following discussion and photos have a lot in common with
the previous problem SlingShot experienced with all the Johns
on the ARC site.
As an aside, it has recently come to our attention that Skylands
John's main interest is water skiing. He even went so far as to
build his own practice lake near Highpoint and is a Nationally
ranked Champion. He only uses cycling as a cross training diversion.
The fact that he was also recently crowned the number one road
cyclist in the over 55 group for NJ, or something like that, had
little bearing on SlingShot's inability to distinguish him
from all other known Johns. It is just something that needs
This information was provided to us by Kevin Douchebag Haley.
Usually, we don't listen to a word Kevin says, but he seemed so
pained about Skylands John's accomplishment, it had the ring
In any case, SlingShot's most recent confusion over whether
or not Download Kim is in fact Download Kim, or merely
somebody impersonating her, is a similar situation.
Careful readers will notice the strong similarity to the previous
problem: in which Skylands John looks close enough to
Sullivan John to be his brother, and Catskills John does
not look like anybody else except maybe the Black Widow—and
only due to his arm warmers. The whole name game fiasco got launched
when everybody thought they had the easy answer to Shot's
conundrum. It took a couple months sorting out to the resolution.
This current problem with Download Kim vs. Whomever,
however, did not take nearly as long to resolve (our quick stop by
the Sullivan picnic table cleared it right up), but it is no less a
horny issue. Thankfully, we have photos to compare.
Before you click over to the photos linked below, take a moment to
consider if these are things you really want to see.
We know there are people who would rather NOT see them, but
unfortunately those people will not be blocked from this site until
midnight 07/19/07, so please be careful.
Here you go.
DOWNLOAD KIM REVEALED
We know people are anxiously awaiting the Download Kim photos
and article, but we also knew everybody would really not want to
miss the following story, so our revealing photos of Download Kim
are put off until tomorrow.
SlingShot flatly refuses any compensation, sponsorships, or
remuneration of any kind for the articles and content found on
American Road Cycling.
However, he recently received an offer that was so attractive it was
impossible to refuse.
The race team management over at DKNY offered to give him a free
race team jersey. SlingShot was immediately flattered,
because he knows everybody else had to pay for theirs, but he still
had to think about accepting such a kind gift.
Of course, SlingShot has only ever been seen in his Bobby
Bones jersey. Those primo jerseys are no longer made, and
SlingShot has the last seven of them (that the Widder
could find on the Internet), but he is aware that someday he will
have to make a change. Lycra only lasts a few decades (after the
stench begins) before the decay sets in.
Shot was very excited by DKNY/Stinkature Silos' offer
of an official race team jersey...free of charge. That meant he
could test-drive a new jersey in preparation of any necessary
changes to come.
Therefore, he decided to bend his
no-sponsorships rule just this one time, so
DKNY/Stinkature Silos ceremoniously presented the Shot's
new race team jersey just prior to Sunday's ride leaving from Paul's
SlingShot is shown below, just after the ceremony.
SlingShot in his special racing jersey
gifted by DKNY/Stinkature Silos
(photo by: Paul Latrine)
SlingShot reports that his new racing jersey is one of the
finest pieces of apparel he has ever received. He asked us to make
sure that American Road Cycling makes an extra effort to
thank all the staff over at DKNY/Stinkature Silos for the
American Road Cycling itself would like to give extra thanks
to Paul Latrine for providing the photo of SlingShot above.
Usually, everything Paul sends us is self-serving (because that is
just the way he is), but this time he has actually gone out of his
way to promote a rival team.
What a gracious and thoughtful gesture on Paul's part.
Editor's Note: We just received a notification from eBay that
their servers are back up and running after the crash caused Sunday
afternoon when people started posting their Skylands Race Team
jerseys for sale.
Apparently, everybody recognized that having one of the jerseys seen
on SlingShot would have a major impact on their sale value,
and everybody wanted to benefit from the windfall by getting their
auctions started as soon as possible.
We also should report the WTO (World Texting Organization) called to
tell us several major chat rooms, which also crashed, are back up
It seems there was an overload due to the massive number of LOL's
being used at the end of such phrases as, "Yeah, them Skylands
Race Team jerseys are sure going to be worth a lot
We are not sure what 'LOL' means, but assume it is "Living Off
Lycra" which must be the consortium trade organization that governs
the manufacturing of cycling jerseys.
On a sad note, it has been reported that TP Joe Straub (of
DKNY) finally beat Skylands Dave Freifelder when Dave got
distracted during Sunday's race trying to start his Skylands
jersey eBay auction using his iPhone.
Dave said he heard everybody in the peloton talking about
SlingShot's jersey, looked down to log-on, and when he looked
back up the race was over and Joe had taken second place, right
behind some guy wearing wooden shoes.
Under the heading of full disclosure: American Road
Cycling must also report that Rich Cruet of The Bicycle Doctor,
has phoned with an offer of $1,000, if SlingShot will promise
never to be seen in a Team Bicycle Doctor jersey.
That is quite strange, because Kevin Haley himself (winner of
numerous Humps) has stated, "I have no problem at all with
SlingShot wearing the Skylands
jersey... so long as it is never on the same day I am wearing one."
SlingShot was asked about the future of his jersey and says
he plans to wear it every day of the week...cycling or not. But
that's a whole 'nother story.
Hope you didn't miss the photos. Somebody at ARC
thought the notice should be repeated above the IMPORTANT MESSAGE
The upcoming DOWNLOAD KIM REVEALED article, in which
the truth about her will be "fully exposed," is being delayed in
order for the IMPORTANT MESSAGE (below) to be held over and read by
In the meantime, SlingShot is well on the way
to recovery after having had the shit slapped out of him by
Download Kim's husband.
Apparently Download Kim's husband said, "That
photo of Kim isn't even the best one of her." To which SlingShot
queried, "Got any pictures of of your wife naked?"
It is pretty clear that to the answer, "No,"
SlingShot should not have responded, "Wanna buy some?"
Smart readers of American Road Cycling will not be thrown off
course by this, but this message is so important we will leave it at
the top of the home page all week. The new content will be found
below. That's a little different from usual; so, please, you smart
readers help all the others figure it out.
Robb Daly has passed on to us some good news and some bad
The good news is that a MUCH SAFER way has been found around the new
QUICK CHECK filling-station, mega-mart, shopping-complex that opened
this week next to the BIG-V parking lot.
All rides will now begin by going around THE BACK of BIG-V and QUICK
CHECK, then return the same way.
All the asshole motorists are going to be real upset about this,
because they had really hoped for an opportunity to squash as many
cyclists as their little gas guzzling pimp mobiles could hit.
Too bad, car driving, snack eating, shopping motherfuckers. Robb
Daly has outsmarted you again.
Now for the bad news. Robb also passed on a joke.
Q: Why can't bicycles stand on their own?
A: Because they are two tired.
As a general rule, SlingShot makes it a policy to steal all
the material published on American Road Cycling. However,
this joke is of the sort that definitely required attribution.
Remember everybody: 1) around the back for starts and finishes, 2)
stay as far away from Robb as your good taste dictates.
While photos are being processed, here is a teaser.
TODAY'S MOST BEAUTIFUL CYCLIST
More news: This just in, today Download Kim dropped
Poor Latrine. Guess it's time to publish some more photos of
In lieu of repeating the photo of Download Kim, which has
taxed our servers and infrastructure, here is a repeat photo of
Zirra. This should stop the hit counter from overheating.
It's only a quarter mile back to the highway. I'll just let go of
your neck, and you make a run for it. Ready, set...
See? We knew you'd all like Zirra's photo better!
BIGGER FUCKING DEAL
The article below should read 28 instead of 27, and 'three' instead
of 'two', because Slippery Steve Jinks showed up here last
night after SlingShot published the article and went to bed.
BIG FUCKING DEAL
Guess the secret to Internet success is bad words, controversial
subject matter, and blowing the lid off graft, corruption, and
terrorist activities in local government, because yesterday
American Road Cycling logged another record for one day
We [Hey] had 27 separate viewers all in one day which beat the old
record of 25 people, set on 05/07/07 and repeated on 07/16/07. That
is an increase of two whole human beings, give or take.
What [Cranky,] proved to be an even larger increase were the number
of viewers returning for their second, third, and fourth bite of the
apple in a single 24 hour period.
Our [quit] typical viewership hovers around 21 (proven human's)
which is a significantly higher number than just about every other
cycling site which routinely misrepresents attendance due to the
lack of sophistication of the tracking techniques used by most web
owners, and certainly much higher than the number of true number of
visitors routinely lied about by almost all web masters.
Big [skimming] fucking deal. Truth is always rather mundane and is
disbelieved because of it.
Editor's Note: There has been a lot of discussion that the
lions share of our current success should be attributed to constant
mentioning of the possibility that Download Kim's photo might
be repeated. You'd be shocked to know how many people got here, then
scurried right on over to the Photo Directory trying to figure out
where that photo is hiding.
Apparently all this recent beefcake is paying off, or so it might
appear. Somebody has filled out a Membership Form claiming to
be Download Kim, but we take claims to such major credentials
with a grain of salt.
Of course SlingShot fired off the more or less standard form
letter reply. Here it is:
Hi Kim : )
Thank you for taking time to fill out the American Road Cycling
We will take your claim that you are Kim under advisement, because
somebody is always trying to gum up the works, and we have become
twitchy about assuming things. Of course, everybody would like to be
you (if you are you), so we have to be careful.
The Black Widow will be assigned to walk over to the Sullivan table
and confirm with Kim that you are in fact Kim, in case you are not
Kim but somebody other than Kim.
A notice will also be immediately placed on the American Road
Cycling home page that UV117 has claimed to be "Download Kim."
Thank you again for submitting the form. That means about a dozen or
so people (out of the 737 people listed as members) have actually
submitted the form, as apposed to having their name picked out of
the phone book and pasted in.
Editor's Note: The last time we needed to respond to a
Membership Form submittal was 06/20/07. Our published response
letter has some information about how SlingShot's Chatter Box
postings may also come under the names of SlamCrank,
CaliperGirl, and ARC Staff. And so can everybody else be
anybody else, but restrictions apply. Everybody may want to go
review that letter.
Otherwise, current concerns are that the person who submitted this
most recent form is merely pretending to be Download Kim, in
order to have the fun of hearing about SlingShot getting his
ass shredded by The Black Widow when he says, "See?... Now,
can I post the Download Kim photo again?"
As it stands, The Black Widow will confirm Kim's identity
first, then shred SlingShot's ass after, because she was
going to do that anyway.
Yesterday we had another grand arrival on the American Road
Cycling website due to a Google search. This time it was for the
best possible reasons, the kind of stuff SlingShot lives for,
and for which criteria he continues to make the American Road
Cycling's historic archives available, in order to make these
little bits of information accessible to those who need it.
Whoever the person was, they got here by a web search for one of the
names of the people mentioned in an 11/15/05 response to Dan
Sullivan's comments included with his Membership Form
We will not repeat the person's name on this page, because we have
noticed that often brings searchers to a dead-end, after the name
has moved into the archives.
Suffice it to say, SlingShot's response in the mail link
below was in reference to his rant about the graft, corruption, and
general malfeasance of Town of Chester Officials when they
were complicit and aided and abetted the illegal mining a 20 foot
cliff within 4 feet of a local elderly citizen's garage... and the
ensuing harassment of that elderly gentleman up to his death about 6
It is a story about political intrigue, underworld money laundering,
a mid-east terrorist type connection, and more. You can guess for
yourself which name (of the people involved) was the name which drew
the Google searcher to American Road Cycling and this intro
to the history of those events.
Here's the link to the letter:
SOMEDAY THEY'LL WISH THIS PAGE WAS GONE
IRON MIKE NORTON
(one for the ladies)
And who to our wondering eyes should appear?
Editor's Note: Once again SlingShot demanded of the
Widder, "If you're making me publish this sort of shit, I should
be able to put Download Kim up again."
SlingShot did not.
The mystery is finally solved. Here is the elusive Skylands John.
Compare to Sullivan John.
And here is Catskill John, who was never in doubt.
There. Next time you're gettin' your ass kicked, you'll know who's
See the problem? Once upon a ride, and long long ago, the Widder
said, "That is Skylands John," as she pointed to Sullivan
John. A little later, SlingShot pointed to Skylands
John and said, "That is Sullivan John, right?" "Yes,"
said the Widder.
Couple years later all the finger pointing crossovers became the
norm. SlingShot routinely thought everybody was talking about
Sullivan when they mentioned Skylands.
The two look similar enough across the parking lot (as close as
SlingShot likes to get to anybody) for them to easily be
Of course, nobody was ever confused about Catskill John,
because he has the same arm warmers as the Widder. Except for
that little episode when he signed up and Twin Lynn asked,
"Is Catskill John, Sullivan John?"
To provide a belated answer to Lynn, "No... Sullivan John is
So the mystery is solved: SlingShot's an idiot.
Editor's Note: The staff wanted to put that photo of
Download Kim here again, but the Widder said she'd have
SlingShot's head on a platter if he even acted like he'd
allow it. He didn't act like it.
YOUR "ASSAULT ON KAIN ROAD" PHOTOS
The rest of you don't even think about it. Very few of the local
riders will even attempt this climb. It takes a true man, woman, or
When the men finally reached the woman (she had made it considerably
farther up before stopping), they got there just in time to see
Georgy Girl coming back down to say, "Everybody ok? We really
have to do it now. I put all our initials up there. I'll go back up
with you, but this time I promise to stay back."
Everybody eventually made it, but of course photos only exist for
the pre-ride festivities.
Also, we have:
A SPECIAL LINK FOR CRANKY
THE SPIDER BITES
From: Nuclear Dan
Re: Missed Ride
I just got your email today, Sunday.
I've been very ill for the last few days. When I got home from the
Tuesday ride, I developed a fever and a severe headache which
escalated for several days .
I was bed ridden, and the doctor didn't know what was wrong . Then a
few days ago I noticed a tender spot on my back and took a look in
the mirror to find that 25 percent of my back had a deep red color
like a bad sunburn.
I went back to the doctor, and he thinks I got bitten by a spider
and had a bad reaction, so he put me on antibiotics and
anti-inflammatory and pain killers (for the migraine that I've had
without relief for three days.)
Notice the period inside the brackets, I learned that from Bob.
I'm feeling a little better today but mot much. Hope you had a nice
Editor's Note: Yeah, Dan, all of us got bit by The Black
Widow in Harriman Tuesday. Everybody has a different reaction.
Good to see that despite your weakened state you can harass Bob by
pretending he told you to put periods inside brackets instead of
Here are some photos from last Friday's Assault on Kain to
entertain you during recovery.
THE DEVIL CAME DOWN TO
DISCLAIMER: No... you do not know who the person below is, nor
will you ever, especially if you think you do.
Well, once again SlingShot has shown himself to be a total
loser who can't even get the simplest things in his life under
He expected his tirade about religion, along with his new
association with lepers, would protect him from being accosted in
the Hump parking lot.
Turns out mostly everybody likes lepers, so his little corner of the
universe (contrary to his best wishes) has only become busier than
In fact, it appears the word has gotten out about his current
articles, because yesterday more new IP#'s appeared at the ARC
website than in any other single period.
Of course, there was this one unfortunate little incident earlier in
the day. In case you missed what prompted publication of the
following photo, please thank FG and read his posting (#1328)
Here's what I'm saying: The assholes in two
motherfucking churches (that's right, two separate shithead church
groups) asked her not to return to their asinine services. Religious
people are fucking stupid beyond belief! Why would I ever want to be
around any of them? How's about the ignorant douchebags in your
church. Are they going to invite her in? Oh,
that's clever... you're going to 'help' her.
Editor's Note: Paradoxically, SlingShot's sentiments
above would carry a lot more weight if his rotund ass were not
itself so weighty. Otherwise he says, "Can't we all just be left
He also asks that no recriminations whatsoever be brought against
any guessed at or supposed perpetrator of this ignorant act.
SlingShot can take care of himself.
After all, you really do not know who did this, and you never will.
As always, all reports of the incident are mistaken.
To cleanse the palate, just read Toe Clip's Hump Report
(below) once again. It is pretty exciting to find out the Hump
has been moved to Brooklyn. This joint has moved uptown.
by: Toe Clip
Today's hump report comes from Brooklyn and is penned by Toe
Report from the Brooklyn front: THE USUAL, well almost----started
the routine out near the front but made sure this time I was gonna
ride in someone's draft and conserve.
By lap three suggested to the guy holding second (and who seemed
eager to make a move) that we work together. He agreed, and on his
signal we made our move.
The problem was, it seemed a few others overheard us and jumped as
well. Soon the whole pack joined in as they all anticipated our
move, so it didn't work.
Found myself in the middle for a bit and worked my way back up. By
the last mile or so, I again found myself in the middle, and started
to figure the result for me may be worse than in prior weeks.
Approaching the last half or so I realized how close we were to the
end, so I figured I had to do something to prevent an imminent
The pack was bunched up, so I decided to make a hard move from the
outside. Quickly found myself in the lead and decided to work hard
not to get blown back again.
I did sense there was a guy right behind me, and when we were within
about 50 yards, this guy launched and blew right by me.
The guy previously willing to work with me also passed me and took
But there was a gap between me and the rest of the pack, so I sensed
today would be my day for a medal.
One other guy slipped by my right at the end by a wheel. So I
settled for fourth.
Although I was anaerobic at the end, I think if I got out of the
saddle I might have powered my way thru to keep third.
Basically, I need to practice finishing sprints.
Nevertheless, the result was a very pleasant surprise. One thing I
learned, the race directors aren't eager to talk to you unless you
It turns out the race director is from New Hampton; he gets up extra
early to make his ride into the city. That tells me we coulda had
more crazy racers from ARC, and OCBC....
Now for the important things in life----time to collect a little
fish on a platter.......Peace.
Editor's Note: Toe Clip, you realize of course that nobody
likes you anymore. You get any faster, and the dislike will turn to
FLOUNDERING FROM SOME FAN MAIL
All the new stuff has been temporarily bumped in order to provide
this follow-up to the FAN MAIL FROM SOME FLOUNDER article of
For some reason SlingShot feels this is top priority.
When he published the photos of Humberto sent in by Matt Kleiman in
the 07/06/07 article below, and also on the
Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine, SlingShot assumed Matt and
Humberto had been in touch and that Humberto sent Matt here.
Turns out it was a total surprise to Humberto, who phoned and
thanked us then sent the following e-mail:
There is something that I have to tell you.
When I came to this country in 1986, I did not speak much English
at all... and I still don't today!
All I knew was that I wanted to be a bicycle racer. I was very
lucky to meet Matt, Joe, Doug, and Robert.
They all put up with me for a long time. I went with them
They all have great families who helped us a lot—driving us all
over the country.
So I just wanted to thank them all for everything. These guys
taught me everything that I know about cycling.
Editor's Note: Everybody at American Road Cycling has
been putting in overtime trying to understand Humberto's e-mail. We
are pretty confident we will be able to figure it out, but it is one
of the most subtle examples of trash talk we have ever seen. It
reads almost as if he actually likes those people.
WEIRDEST WEB SEARCH
Here's the strangest Google returns that brought somebody to the
American Road Cycling website, than we have seen in awhile.
CHECK OUT THIS SEARCH
We can only hope that English is this person's first language, else
our little website may cause them actual psychological damage.
Probably will anyway.
FG stops by as today's assault on Kain Road begins.
FAN MAIL FROM SOME FLOUNDER
Recently American Road Cycling was fortunate to receive two
photos from Matt Kleiman for adding to the
Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine.
Here they are with Matt's email copied after, followed by a
clarification from American Road Cycling.
Here are 2 photos. The first is of Humberto during his first year as
a 'senior' racing in Central Park. The second photo is a different
angle of the same photo that you have on the Humberto page.
from left to right:
Aaron Newland (not Tyler Hamilton)
George Hincapie (14-15 yr old national champ)
Paul Pisani (7-11 Development Team) -- he won this race
Jonas Carney (7-11 Development Team; 16-17 yr old national
Matt Kleiman (me)
Doug Corey (teammate with Humberto)
not sure who is in yellow
Rob Chuvala (teammate with Humberto)
Trevor Silvera -- far right
As far as Humberto as a racer "back in the day," do not
believe anything he tells you. He is probably too modest; he was
incredibly talented and VERY strong.
Thanks again for creating the website. I got an email from Joe Ball
and think it is really cool.
-- Matt Kleiman
Thanks Matt. The top photo does appear as if it might be an actual
photo of Humberto, however the person shown does not look nearly
enough like a
dehydrated old Chinese guy.
Below is your other submitted photo repeated with the one from
Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine which you referenced. We have put
the two together in order to facilitate comparison, because we have
to disagree with you on a few minor points.
1) Obviously these photos are not of the same race, because almost
each and every rider in the photo you submitted (the one on top) has
their head tilted in a totally different direction than the riders
in the authentic photo below it. It is a rather clever counterfeit,
but we take pains to ferret out bogus photos and have caught this
one flat out.
2) One can also see that the upper photo is incorrect, because the
left most rider in the top photo has a blue jersey, while the one in
the photo below has a gray jersey. You will agree that is a rather
3) We also noticed that the start banner in the upper photo has red
letters while the one on the bottom has gray letters. We are sorry
to see that you did not notice.
4) Of course, the most blatant problem with the photo you submitted
is the total omission of Humberto in favor of a George Hincapie
impersonator. Everybody knows that all photos taken at the supposed
time of your photo always included Humberto as the focal point. He
has shown us hundreds of them, so we know this to be a fact. How
could you miss that?
5) We give you your Tyler Hamilton correction, because we feel bad
Anyway, nice try, especially the hilarious note about Humberto being
modest. Man, we are still laughing over that!
Thank you for adding to the
Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine in this smallest of ways of which
you were capable, because we are hoping photos of Humberto will
eventually make him the most downloaded person on American Road
Cycling, a spot now held by
Editor's Note: Keep those cards and letters coming in.
THE OUTING OF SLINGSHOT
Here's the deal. Generally speaking probably only my close friends
know this, so I guess its time to put it out there.
I absolutely positively (and in no uncertain terms) hate sea food.
It repulses me in ways that I cannot express, in ways that only a
person born and raised in the Midwest can understand.
When I watch people tearing apart a lobster in a so-called high
quality restaurant, I am generally on the verge of wretching.
I call those things "giant insects of the sea," and I never can
understand how people can crack them apart and gnaw on their innards
while cooing little sounds of butter drenched ecstasy all the while.
Not the least of my disgust comes from the rank, rotten
dumpster-soup stench of those things. My best friend in childhood
was Chinese (still is) and his family routinely had home-cooked
Did you know cooks throw the things alive into boiling water, and if
you listen real close you can hear them screaming to their death.
How sweet is that?
To be thorough, there was a time a few years ago when one of my
friends (a gourmet chef) convinced me that they could make sea food
I would like, and the reason I hated sea food was because I always
got the rotten shit served in restaurants.
Although I broke out in a sweat trying to touch my lips to the
swordfish they cooked up one evening, I was surprised to find that
the foul and putrid fishy taste which tensed me into expectation
I calmed down enough to eat the whole thing, then spent the next
month trying various types of cooked and uncooked fish in "great
restaurants," but alas, the swordfish event was an anomaly and never
repeated. I hate the stuff.
But my coming out about my sea food aversion is not the point here.
I have bigger fish to fry.
This article is the definitive answer to why religious assholes so
vehemently hate gays, even though they profess to "love" them while
hating the "lifestyle choice" and calling it a "sin."
However, in order to do that effectively, I must first make a
confession of sorts.
Before I do that, though, I must provide the following, so the
fairer sex among us will not be totally disgusted by some of the
things I must describe.
Since I have to make certain references to sex, and because the
juxtaposition of the image of SlingShot to anything remotely
having to do with sex will be so upsetting to any actual (maybe even
some quasi-) women who may be reading this, please take a look at
Grant Salter, 4th of July ride
No, the above photo is not chicken porn. He ain't that young, nor is
he all that fast either. It is merely a picture of Grant Salter that
the Black Widow snapped during yesterday's ride from Paul's.
Yes, Grant was formerly a Chippendales Dancer, which was
mentioned previously on this website, but everybody thought it was a
As an aside, if I hear the Widder gasp one more time how cute
he is, I'm going to cook her up like a lobster.
But back to the main point: In order for all the ladies in the
audience to avoid nightmares after hearing SlingShot talk
about sex, please erase all other images you may have in your heads
associative to SlingShot, and pretend the photo above is in
fact the Shot himself. Pretend it is that person above who is
confessing to the following tale of salaciousness. If that doesn't
make the following almost palatable then nothing will, which is
So here we go. Got that picture in your head?
Sorry, wait a minute. I'd better apply a little preface.
I put all the following together in my head a couple years ago
during the last TV flurry of gay bashing, when an inordinate number
of right-wing, you gotta change your ways, asshole spokes-fuckers,
once again were on the rampage about how, "It is a lifestyle
Finally, I heard enough of it and started yelling at the TV
(something the Widder always finds pleasing), "What the fuck
is wrong with you people? How can you all be so uniformly stupid and
out of touch with reality. Oh, that's right, you are religious. The
basic requirement of entry into your little club of Pokers is a
stupid belief in non-existent bullshit."
However, that outburst was only after I had done some very long and
serious soul searching. which had been ramped up over the previous
couple weeks as I endured this babble-crap bigotry.
First, I thought of my own sexuality (ladies, please put on your
Grant Salter visors now). and what I realized was this, which I must
I am positively without a shred of doubt, and with no wavering in my
entire life, a devout and committed... now, excuse me if I have to
say it out loud, a heterosexual. I have known this since the age of
3 years old at least... with no question whatsoever. In fact it has
always been such a basic fact of my existence that I have never even
considered it might be special in any way, at least not until I got
to NY and started cycling.
[Now ladies, I am counting on you to have put on your Grant
I have known it since the age of three (at least), because that is
the age I was caught behind the large natural gas cylinder behind
our family restaurant with my four year old neighbor.
The only thing I remember is her slightly loose blue shorts, and a
particularly fine and pristinely smooth inner thigh. Which inner
thigh had my hand running up and down it for a rather long
time—which was not nearly long enough.
Of course, I was told much later that one of us had eventually
talked her out of her shorts, and everything else besides.
I don't remember that part, nor the beating I got for my
involvement. I just remember those creamy thighs and the blue
shorts—just like the ones the Widder has to wear around here
At this point I would like to apologize for not having provided a
better picture to substitute for what you may remember of the
Widder, but that is life. Deal with it.
In any case, I hope you didn't miss the point that I was beaten for
my affair with the neighbor girl. That's how all types of sex are
handled in the Midwest. It is all bad: hetero, child-on-child,
wedded with protection, you and your hand, whatever. It is ALL bad.
Wait, I almost forgot.
I also remember the part about how I was treated as a pariah, for
the remainder of the time I can remember in that location, and how
the rest of the kids in my girlfriend's family actually used
to throw rocks at me.
Plus, I failed to mention another memorable moment lying with her on
the floor of the room just off our living room. There was a skirt
involved—much like all the Widder's new ones—and a tricycle
which was alternately ridden by me in the living room in the game of
"going to work then home again," which all added to the excitement,
but which all happened before we were never allowed to be in the
same place alone again.
Now, I have a whole bunch more similar images that I could relate.
Actually I would say an incredible number, but this has been
probably too much already, and it is certainly taxing the image of
Grant to the breaking point. I am hopeful it is more than enough to
give insight into the following.
When I see a woman of the correct body proportions (or a wide range
of variations similar), my physical reaction is not (in any way),
even in the slightest, a "subtle" response. It is like having a
sledge hammer bounced off my chest, and it has always been that way.
It can actually be just as painful in some very odd associated ways.
As long as I can remember, I have always considered the appearance
of men to be repugnant and well, phtoouie, just like sea food.
Even to the point that my own body has mostly disgusted me, most of
my life, and I can remember early on seeing the preening males in
the hometown of my childhood and wondering, "How in the world can
they think that girls would like that in the slightest."
Then I would think, "But how might I get those same girls to ignore
their disgust of my own person long enough to allow me to get my
face back in one of their skirts or two. Maybe if I'm nice to them."
[Look, you were warned to keep that picture of Grant in your head,
so pay the price for your inattention.]
Ok, so that's just a quick glimpse at the 10 million or so such
instances that went through my head when I questioned, "How the fuck
can these shit brained religious assholes think that being gay is a
'lifestyle choice'? Isn't it just totally fucking obvious to them
that this kind of response isn't 'chosen' or 'learned'. It just
"If somebody says they have a different taste toward a [ok, girls,
got Grant in your heads?], you know, a different taste toward a,
well... an orgasm, isn't it undeniably obvious that the person is
reporting something which is way different from your own experience?
Isn't it abundantly clear?"
"Plus who cares anyway? I am absolutely disgusted by sea food, but I
don't go out of my way to scream about people who love it while
trying to save them from it and making sure nobody else ever eats
it. As long as they don't try to stick it under my own nose, what
the fuck do I care? I am pretty sure I am never going to 'catch'
love of sea food by mere association. The closer I get to it, the
more disgusted I get."
Then it hit me: as clear as day, as obvious as anything, and as
simple as when I finally realized the sound of one hand clapping.
Anybody who is upset to the point of finding it necessary to go on a
talk show and complain about it, or anybody who can believe it is a
lifestyle choice, or anybody who finds it necessary to stand
screaming in front of the backwoods congregation they are trying to
sway with words of gay bigotry, or anybody who can worry for a
second that they could become "infected" with this "sin" is, in
fact, themselves conflicted about their own sexual orientation,
and they are themselves being persecuted by the very same community
they are trying support.
Simple isn't it? And obvious once you think about it.
Those poor bastards.
Of course, transgender is a whole 'nother ball of wax, but not in
any way that negates the previous discussion, and not in any way
that those religious dickfart shithead authoritarian motherfuckers
will see as different anyway.
Still... poor bastards.
Sorry ladies. Here's another photo of Grant to cleanse your palates.
Grant Salter, 4th of July ride
Editor's Note: The above photo of Grant is for educational
purposes only. It is not meant for the titillation of any
transgender oddities who may or may not be reading this site.
Also, SlingShot would like us to mention that if he himself
ever got his gender changed, he would then be a transgendered female
who was also a lesbian, and so he would keep all his original parts
in order to save money on sex toys, and also just in case surgical
procedures could not do a perfect job of making something else feel
like something else. Sort of how his $40,000 dollar Noritake
Porcelain teeth still don't feel like real teeth, so he would keep
the original manufacturer parts anyway.
In any case, SlingShot says, "Look... plenty of ladies have
enjoyed playing with the equipment, and so have I on my own. If I
were to become a lady, I would keep all as is. I would sure hate to
wake up one morning and miss it. But that's just me."
Oh, great! Now we've done it. Better run that photo again.
Grant Salter, 4th of July ride
Ok, Widder, stop looking at the photo and git back to work.
4th OF JULY PHOTOS
Comment of the Day: Lauren Warren (The Angel,
Lougie, Lougie Angel, and very accomplished competitor)
takes off downhill.
The Widder (The Devil, and very accomplished pain in
the ass) takes off after her. Paul says, "There she goes..."
And Jim Amels (BLASTER, and shown above) replies, "You get a
picture from behind of both of them going downhill like that and
call it "Crouching Tigers."
Yesterday, I dropped by The Bicycle Doctor to pick up a set
of new wheels. Rich Cruet (proprietor) lent me a pair to try, and
they were perfect, so it was time to buy a factory fresh set.
Later when I came back to pick up my bike, the following discussion
Shot: "So Rich, you gave your solemn promise that with these
wheels I could be the first one up Ridgebury, right? Not that I
"would" be, just that I "could" be.
Rich: "No. I said you would be the first of your kind
Rewind a bit: When I first came through
the front door of the shop that day, I saw immediately that one
of those very special moments was in full progress.
A young girl was there with her parents getting a new bike. Maybe it
was her first bike. Maybe it was an upgrade. Whatever it was, it was
obviously a major event for the 10 year old.
Therefore, I knew it was best to leave my bike and get the hell out
of the way as quickly as possible.
Readers of this website are well aware how special that moment of
getting a new bike is, and for a 10 year old it is certainly a major
Surrounded by beautiful machines of freedom, being the center of
attention, having the details managed by your parents and a
long-time true professional in the business—it is indeed a sacred
moment, a religious event.
In fact, I consider such a moment to be significantly more important
than any merely religious event, and that is because I absolutely
positively HATE religion.
And not in a small way. I hate all religions in a very big way.
I hate religion, because it is specifically designed to dumb people
down, to make them blind followers of the beliefs and words of
I hate religion, because religion's major expression in this country
(Christianity) routinely teaches hatred and intolerance on a grand
scale despite the innumerable times the so called model (Christ
himself) is reported to have espoused tolerance and forgiveness, and
despite its continual overly loud contentions to the contrary.
I hate religion for its insane insistence that the "group" is always
more important than the "individual" and therefore inordinate time
is spent trying to ply individuals into the insidious grasp of the
group, where that individual is expected to relinquish all thought
in favor of observance, where that individual is taught to believe
that "words" are more important than "deeds," such as where the
saying of the word "fuck" is horrid, whereas the sending of a bomb
into the crib of a child on the other side of the world in the name
of "God" is quite acceptable.
I hate religion, because it invariably sets the stage for horrid
unfeeling, uncaring dickheads to free their Scooter Libby
sycophants, and then successfully deflect criticism merely by using
the red herring statement, "But the dickheads who were here before
us did worse!" at which moment all the "word controlled" followers
will simply believe that this is a rational statement simply because
it was said.
I hate religion, because it unfailingly creates an atmosphere where
a local mayor can be pushed to the breaking point and into beating
the shit out of a developer who has stolen the very water from the
public stores, only to have the criticism deflected from the
developer and his accomplice lawyer by the deft playing of he
said/she said thus: "My lawyer said it was ok." And the lawyer says,
"No I didn't."
But everybody who knows the players will know the lawyer did say it,
and that his client knew that he said it in full knowledge how
easily it would be for both to lie about it later in order to
deflect attention from their own unconscionable bullying by simply
stating, "This is religious intolerance."
And I will continue to hate religion, and its wretched attempts at
drawing me into a mindless group of followers with coffee chats,
holiday dinners, and such, for at least as long as fighter-jet
pilots keep saying (without fail) such things as, "I felt a great
deal of fear flying into the war zone, and only my faith in God
allowed me the strength to drop the bombs."
To which they hardly ever add, "Of course, I knew hapless young
innocents were also likely to be blown into tiny little bits of
bloody flesh, but it was such a very important bombing."
Unfortunately, the only possible sure fire solution to the problem
of religious nincompoops is to line them up in massive groups and
put bullets wholesale through each of their heads, but that has
already been tried many times before by more callous hands than
mine, and it has proved a totally worthless approach.
On the other hand, I uh...wait a minute, I got distracted. What was
I talking about? Oh, yeah. The young girl getting her bike.
In any case, the bike purchase was so much more important than even,
for example, will be her First Communion, or her Confirmation where
she will become a little soldier of God, because those things will
teach her to follow blindly the wishes of others, whereas with this
bike she might eventually grow up to kick the asses of men half her
age and even a transsexual or two.
I personally know one young girl who grew up to do just that.
In summary, I have to say I really love the new wheels that Rich
Cruet picked out for me. They are extremely quiet, strong, quick,
responsive, and they look great on my bike.
In Harriman yesterday, after Eat Shit and Die Hill (what we
call the last long hill before the 106 descent), The Black Widow
said, "Two weeks ago you had to work a lot harder on that hill, plus
we dropped you half way up it—at about the same speed. Today you
were there to the top. Your new wheels really helped."
The Black Widow is compulsive about paying attention to her
speed up hills, and she has benchmarks all over the place... about a
dozen or so just on that one hill. Of that process she says, "The
better to kick the asses of men half my age."
I would tell you the make and model of the wheels I got, but it is
best to let Rich Cruet at
The Bicycle Doctor help you with that, because he is not in
any way the religion-hating motherfucker that I am. Plus, he may
actually choose better wheels for you, because your own goals may be
slightly different from mine.
My goal is to be the first of my kind up Ridgebury.
Editor's Note: SlingShot has requested that not one
single word (ever) be said to him (by anyone) trying to change his
stance on religion, because he has lived far too long, and seen far
too much, to be swayed even in the slightest by theocritical
SlingShot knows bullshit when he hears it, so don't bother.
If this upsets you, just make sure none of your kids ever sees this
website. Better yet, merely stop coming to it and reading it
yourself, and SlingShot will eventually shut it down.
We need to catch up on a few things.
First, we need to save Georgy Girl from further
disappointment. It was a bit of a waste for her to go to all the
trouble filling out a Membership Form, because only about a dozen
(crazy) people have ever actually filled one out.
The rest of the names on the Membership list were basically
taken from the phonebook and copy/pasted there by SlingShot
himself, hoping to harass a horrid regime now on the run.
Our main concern is that Georgy Girl believed there is a
requirement to fill out a form in order to kick the asses of
Cranky, Lynn, Mary, and Paul. Not required. It has been our
experience that kicking their asses is more or less unavoidable,
submitted form or not.
Also, Georgy seems to have missed the archived rollovers. We are
going to take a chance in light of the fact we have never heard of
anybody ever getting bored with looking at the rollovers, so here's
a link to help Georgy Girl get there herself while risking
also sending people who would rather not go to
Secondly, it was not so long ago we started the Humberto
Cavalheiro Fanzine. Some of you might not have realized that
although the top photos were a repeat of photos from an associated
article, there are a number of new photos below them.
Afterwards Humberto sent us some feedback that he received regarding
his new Fanzine:
This is a great write-up about you. It is also great to see all
those pictures, as I am in many of them. I sent it on to Matt
Kleiman, because I know he is looking for some old photos of our
I am sorry we were not able to get together when I was in NY, but
my trip was cut short, because I had to attend some business
meetings in Bangkok. Due to the those meetings, I did not
bring a bike and was not in Cornwall as many days as I had planned.
My main purpose for being in Cornwall was an engagement party for my
brother and his fiancée, so I will be back in the area over the next
several months while they plan the wedding. I will definitely let
you know the next time that I will be in town. Hopefully we can get
BTW - I will be in France for some business meetings this coming
week, so on Friday I will fly to London for the weekend to see the
start of the Tour!! I am pretty excited. I have been to a few
classics and cyclocross races in Europe—but never the Tour. I will
send pictures when I return from my trip.
We will get more info about who's who in the photos, but in the
meantime you might like to take another look at the
Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine.
Thirdly, SlingShot is going to ask Humberto if he could plead
with Joe (who we believe is not the famed serial killer) to take him
along on his next trip to Bangkok, drop him off in Patpong, and
The last time SlingShot was there he enjoyed himself more
than a day on the Hump—despite getting bird shit all over his
RELATED FILE PHOTO
Editor's Note: Please excuse the above insider world traveler
jokes... but then, you probably didn't even notice any jokes.
Last Friday, SlingShot was outside the Endico studio
waiting for Palletman to show up for a ride.
He was only mildly aware that somebody was approaching when he heard
a deep voice say "Great day for a ride!"
He only looked up quickly from his bicycle to recognize it was
George, his down-the-street cycling neighbor who is also a highly
successful computer guru.
SlingShot merely said, "Sure is!" and looked back down at his
However, the picture of the encounter played through Shot's
mind again—as if on auto tape delay.
George passed by again, but this time there was a little sparkle of
an oddity in the image. A flashing blue highlight pendulummed below
the fading image of George's left ear. It was a beaded triangle like
a blue fringe, but it was only a half image really, and only
Suddenly SlingShot froze with the thought, "Wait a minute,
did George have on earrings?" So he looked back up at George who was
now walking away.
Sure enough, earrings it was. And... a short denim skirt, plus
platform wedge sandals of some sort. This was some serious
So Shot ran inside, grabbed the Widder over to the
window and said, "See that tall good lookin' babe in the mini-skirt
across the street?"
"Ok. Well, Palletman called, and he'll be 15 minutes late."
George was already back in his car by the time SlingShot got
back outside. George yelled across the street, "Have a good
ride. I'm going out a little later."
"Why don't you ride with us? We're waiting for Palletman, and
he won't be here for another 15 minutes. "
"I think I can make it. I'll go home, get dressed, and ride back."
So that's how it began.
SlingShot had panicked and taken the opportunity to hurry-up
and get George out of her flamboyant clothes and into something more
sedate and acceptable: something like multi-colored Lycra, festooned
in giant emblazoned corporate logos; plus little Velcroed Poulaines
trimmed to match a pin striped clear coated cycling machine
fashioned from exotic materials—like the ones we all ride. You know,
something more toned down like that... with gadgets and chrome
accents all over.
In any case, the ensuing ride was mostly an extended discussion
trying to come up with a better, more fitting and feminine name for
Of course, SlingShot's favorite name, given that we need to
avoid confusing characters on this website, would be to enforce a
distinction between her and Twin George (who Twin Lynn often calls
Georgie) thus: Trans George.
Otherwise, it would be hard to draw any distinction whatsoever
between the two.
But somehow the name Trans George didn't seem to be nearly
feminine enough. So we tried thinking of all the most girlishly
feminine diminutives we could come up with. Finally, in order to
make sure nobody ever fails to notice the fullness of George's
womanhood, we are now calling her Paul.
Which explains one of the most recent Chatter Box postings (#1293),
in case you were interested.
Editor's Note: Probably SlingShot will immediately get
on a kick with this and talk about nothing else. He said, "That
banana thing? Old hat. And so are the hats."
Also, the Widder is all pissed off, because Georgy Girl has
Also, the Widder is upset because she liked George but hates
all women, so now...well, there's going to be a lot of half-wheeling
Also, the Widder is, on the other hand, very happy, because
she is certain she will soon get to say, "There ya go, bitch. Now
you know what it feels like to get your ass kicked by a real woman!"
There is sure to be more on this, so the squeamish among you
(especially those who are word sensitive) should take this
opportunity to point your browsers elsewhere.
After all, this ain't the only website in town.
THE LONG AWAITED
HUMBERTO CAVALHEIRO FANZINE
this page last updated:
02/01/2015 10:39:00 PM