Please read WARNING below.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

WARNING: If strong language offends, please leave this site NOW.

Please read WARNING above.                                                       Whoops! TOO FUCKING LATE!

PREVIOUS MONTH

07/27/07

PLEASE STAND BY
(Actually, you'd better take a seat.)
 

EXECUTIVE SESSION

Recent events have brought to our attention that the religious zealots are still targeting this website and continue to lurk in the corners, despite our recent blocking of inappropriate IP#'s.

At first, it was just the local Taliban, but now it might even be Al Qaeda himself, or at least what appears to be robotic humanoid automatons. Certainly, these ain't people.

Also, the count of avid readers coming to the American Road Cycling website is a number that continues doubling at a steady predictable rate.

The next (soon to be) doubling will render impossible the current techniques of reliable personalized tracking of reader interest. That situation threatens the very essence of this website, which strives to avoid the "person as statistic" bullshit universally used by our ubiquitous multinational corporate minders.

Therefore, American Road Cycling is retiring into executive session in order to work out the details of ways and means for enhanced tactical methods to put a stop to those who would destroy us. This won't be pretty.

Premium Subscribers are being given special access to a secured area on this website, where the usual American Road Cycling articles and discussions continue unabated, hidden away from prying eyes.

The hard part will be to allow the "public" version to remain accessible (though static) while the "real work" moves to the new secure channel.

The easy part will be hiding out from the .gov monitor lizards who think they can figure out where we went. Good luck, boys.

For the time being, the Chatter Box will remain active, in order for Standard Subscribers (those who are left behind) to still post their necessary thoughts and communications.

Otherwise, the excellent content to which you are accustomed is going underground, so more aggressively seditious techniques may be applied to enhance our control of the world's populace, and so these methods may be discussed and refined in private.

In the highly unlikely event that SlingShot manages to avoid Gitmo (or whatever those assholes will call their next generation Gulag), the content being added to this website will eventually be restored to the open light of day under the auspices of the new (radically different) society of true democratic freedoms that we will establish.

Otherwise, you may never hear of SlingShot again (outside the proliferation of rumor); but, happily, our review of website usage log reveals that whenever SlingShot shuts up, people begin reading the Old New's and articles just as if they were returning to their favorite novel.

Plus, all the new people will be satisfied by going back to stuff they missed the first time around. The archived articles are just as funny—and every bit as relevant—as the recent ones.

In any case, the first rule of secrecy (from the handbook that will be given to you with your new access code) will be this: "If anybody asks about your relationship to American Road Cycling, or the whereabouts of SlingShot (and his much beloved articles), please wink and reply, 'I don't know. I was not given an access code. I believe he is just taking a break.'"

Good day, and good luck to you.

SlingSsshh...

(PS: It has been quite a ride.)
 

Editor's Note: Fortunately, a number of Bobby Bones jerseys were found and acquired online, so Bob Fugett will continue his public appearances acting as the SlingShot decoy as well as an attractive nuisance for a little while longer.

One final note: Twin Lynn, there's no need to check for photos of Twin George in order to confirm his whereabouts. He is ALWAYS at the Hump, especially if he says he missed an appointment because he overslept.

One other final note: During our (apparent) absence you may (on your own) test for robotic humanoids by observing how they treat Georgy Girl. The more poorly they treat her, the more likely they are humanoid.

One definitely final note: Don't waste your time testing for humanoidosis by trying to remember how anybody treated SlingShot. He was treated uniformly the same by all, and he deserved it.

See you soon—in the Premium Subscribers Lounge.
 

07/26/07

SCHMOOP'ISMS

From: Lauren Warren

Well, you are waaayyyyy too fast with all the race info on the American Road Cycling site.

[See: 07/24/07 article with Lake Placid results]

Michele raced her little legs off this past Sunday. I am so incredibly proud of her. She suffered a bit on the bike and run.

She did a major no-no for race day. She switched her nutrition. Half way through the bike, she had trouble taking in any nutrition, and it just continued on the run. But, I am so glad she was an official Ironman finisher!

My results would have meant nothing to me had she not been an official finisher, especially since this was her baby, and I was just along to be out on the course with her.

I had a great race, and could not wipe the smile off of my face the entire time. It was sooooo much FUN!!!!!

I can see why people get hooked on the longer distances. I also qualified for the World Championship Ironman in Kona, Hawaii.

I was totally surprised. I have always wanted to see Hawaii, so we will be on our way for the race on October 13, 2007. Therefore... more long training for another 2+ months ;).

I will look forward to riding some more with the group, it really is a confidence booster. I was thinking of our 4th of July ride quite a few times during the race and, like I just said, having had such a great ride with all of you—just days after my half Ironman at Tupper—it gave me a lot of confidence while I was doing the bike portion of Lake Placid.

Not to mention how fun it is to ride with all of you characters ;).

So, it is a few days of rest and then back to work, or should I say play ;). Hope you are having nothing but great riding days down in the valley!

Lauren Warren

Editor's Note: Anybody still confused about why we call Lauren's other half Michelle, Schmoopie? Pretty clear, huh?

Unfortunately, Michele did not send us an e-mail. However, if you swap the names Michele and Lauren in the e-mail above, it will read just as though Michele had sent it. Take it from us: we've heard it for ourselves.

Except maybe for Lauren's little part about, "...I was just along to be out on the course...," and her Lake Placid Ironman age group 4th Place finish plus her World Championship qualification were both, sort of, kinda, smiling, whoopee-fun-day-out accidents!

Well, even Schmoopies need to have someone to get pissed off at and shoot for.

So if you read this, Michele, smack Lauren one for us, to remind  her we are always happy to make her feel strong. While you're at it, think about how so very much prouder of you she will be when you finally get around to kicking her ass and wiping that smile off her face. Start with the smaller hills.

07/24/07

ASTOUNDING LAKE PLACID

There were tons of people competing at last Sunday's 2007 Lake Placid Ironman... and that was just Zirra.

Actually there were 2,208 competitors. Here are the summary numbers for people we have ridden with:

 

Name	Place/Of	Division	Time	Out of 2208
Lauren Warren	4/109	W40-44	11:35:10	372
Lauren Salvatore	52/71	W25-29	14:53:52	1726
Kevin Hetzel	240/257	M30-34	15:57:20	1941
Michele Yasson	55/62	W45-49	16:24:20	1993

Special mention goes to Lauren Warren who is making a comeback after illness. The last time we saw her name listed in a big race, it was something like 2600 competitors, and she won her division with a 7th overall...NO...that is not 7th for women, that is 7th for people!

Lauren is well on her way back to that podium.

Special mention also goes to Lauren Salvatore. This was her first big competition; and, well... she profoundly kicked the butts of 482 people.

Special mention also goes to Kevin Hetzel, because he shouldn't even be allowed on a bicycle, never mind running it up hills in front of chagrined athletes.

Special mention also goes to Michele Yasson, because she has an actual life, and still manages to hurt more deserving people than you are probably ever likely to know.

Special mention also goes to them all, because they finished the Ironman, and you didn't.

Unless you know about such stuff, there's probably not enough special mentions in the world to get you to understand what it takes... you sorry ass loser.

You didn't show up, so all four of them kicked your ass as well, which means the 2,208 is a rather conservative  number for establishing an overall placement.

What we found most astounding in these numbers was the Men's 30-34 Division where there were 17 fatter fucks than Zirra.

Here are photos of these ARC-aholics from our files:

Lauren Warren, 07/04/07
4th of July Friendly 70 Miler
 

Lauren Salvatore, 07/06/07
Kain Assault
 

Kevin Hetzel, 07/06/07
Kain Assault
 

Dr. Michele Yasson, from a Google search
(like we said, she's got a life)

Once again, the summary: Dr. Michele Yasson beat 215 people, Kevin Hetzel beat 267 people, Lauren Salvatore beat 482 people, and Lauren Warren beat 1,836 people.

SlingShot really feels a connection with our heroes of Lake Placid, because he himself once beat 3 people in the Silver Mine Time Trial. Better than that, once a long time ago, he was not the very last person to finish the Hump.

Editor's Note: One other truly astounding tidbit we heard was that 80% of all the competition at the 2007 Lake Placid Ironman was fit to a bicycle by Paul Latrine... and that was just Zirra.

07/22/07

BOXER

No article today. There's been a bit of a diversion.

The Widder is all pissed off, because she had to go down to the local hoosegow and bail out SlingShot. Apparently, like all other new-breed uber-males, he was busted for dog fighting.

After she bailed him out, Mary made Slingshot visit the animal hospital to see the results of his "Sport."

Therefore, no article today, but we did manage to get SlingShot to comment on the events.

"I know there are lots of people disgusted by dog fighting (Mary included), and it was politically incorrect on my part, but I am definitely NOT going to apologize. That little motherfucker was barking at me, so of course I fought back."

Mondega Cavalheiro

07/21½/07

TODAY'S HUMP PHOTOS

07/21¼/07

DISAPPOINTMENT

Download Kim did not show up for the Hump today. We were told that she was down in the city for a modeling photo shoot.

We followed-up and learned that she was really pissed off afterwards. She was hoping to keep the clothes, but there were no clothes.

Too bad, Kim. You could have come to the Hump and enjoyed watching The Gapper work like a dog pulling SlingShot all the way home from the Jolly Onion, after SlingShot went out a half hour early, paced 14 mph for 30 miles waiting for the AA's to wear The Gapper down enough (by the time they caught him) for him to stay on The Gapper's wheel.

The Slow A's are all bent out of shape over losing The Gapper to the foul clutches of the Double AA's and that reprehensible conniver SlingShot.

Don't worry Slow A's, the The Gapper will return, and you will be disappointed.
 

IMPORTANT
MESSAGE

IMPORTANT MESSAGE

Important message about starts and finishes of Big-V rides. It will be linked from the home page till enough people see it.

07/20/07

SLINGSHOT'S ROOM

SlingShot's Room

Probably explains a lot.
 

07/19/07

POLE RESULTS

Due to numerous complaints regarding our publication of the Download Kim photos, we decided to perform a survey of public opinion.

Following are the pole results:

Public opinion sways in favor against stiffening opposition.

Editors Note: We apologize for being unable to prevent the imposter slut setting up her own poling booth. Unfortunately, it is a public parking lot.
 

07/18½/07

NEW PHOTOS

HUMP 07/07/07

THURSDAY TRAILSIDE 07/12/07
 

07/18/07

WALLPAPER SURVEY

Somebody at the Hump last week mentioned that people had been downloading illegal copies of Download Kim and using them as wallpaper for their Windows Desktops.

In a run-up to the litigation (where we expect to recoup a sizeable amount of hard cold cash) we sneaked around and took a survey of people's computer screens while they were away from their desks.

Here are the results (no rollover texts):

Humberto's

Big Bianchi's


Jim Amels'


Grant Salter's


Chuckie's (in the woods)


Zirra's

All Sullivan County Government Mainframes

Cranky's

The Black Widow's

Kevin Douchebag Haley's
 

Paul Latrine's
 

We are going to be fucking RICH... and we will never break into Paul's house again.

07/17/07

DOWNLOAD KIM REVEALED

Warning: There will be links and/or photos in this article which some viewers may find distasteful. Please observe appropriate caution while reading.

First, an Official Notification: American Road Cycling has recently been called to task by some viewers for the use of strong language, innuendo, and questionable content. In particular SlingShot has come under fire for his rant against religion.

Therefore, American Road Cycling is taking a proactive stance and will be blocking a number of IP#'s from the website in order to protect offended individuals from their rubber necking around these pages.

We do not have the technology to block IP#'s in a selective manner, so the chosen numbers will require having their access blocked in full. The considerate step that we are taking will spare unhappy viewers the shock of seeing what has become the standard fare here.

SlingShot himself routinely clicks off of websites which display material not to his liking. In fact, he has his TV tuner set to skip all channels that show religious programming, because he finds it highly offensive.

Not all people have SlingShot's discipline, so American Road Cycling is helping out by removing the temptation to read this website by disabling access for known sensitive IP#'s.

Many of you will notice no break in service whatsoever. We are sure those viewers who are blocked will be quite happy that we did this for them, but they need not bother to thank us.

The IP# blocking will begin on or around midnight 07/19/07. You will know if you are affected, because you will no longer be able to get here.

If you find your IP# has not been blocked, but you wish it to be done, merely mention to SlingShot how he might improve his website more to your liking, and he will block your access immediately.

Now, to the revealing photos of Download Kim: You will notice the following discussion and photos have a lot in common with the previous problem SlingShot experienced with all the Johns on the ARC site.

As an aside, it has recently come to our attention that Skylands John's main interest is water skiing. He even went so far as to build his own practice lake near Highpoint and is a Nationally ranked Champion. He only uses cycling as a cross training diversion.

The fact that he was also recently crowned the number one road cyclist in the over 55 group for NJ, or something like that, had little bearing on SlingShot's inability to distinguish him from all other known Johns. It is just something that needs mentioning.

This information was provided to us by Kevin Douchebag Haley. Usually, we don't listen to a word Kevin says, but he seemed so pained about Skylands John's accomplishment, it had the ring of truth.

In any case, SlingShot's most recent confusion over whether or not Download Kim is in fact Download Kim, or merely somebody impersonating her, is a similar situation.

Careful readers will notice the strong similarity to the previous problem: in which Skylands John looks close enough to Sullivan John to be his brother, and Catskills John does not look like anybody else except maybe the Black Widow—and only due to his arm warmers. The whole name game fiasco got launched when everybody thought they had the easy answer to Shot's conundrum. It took a couple months sorting out to the resolution.

This current problem with Download Kim vs. Whomever, however, did not take nearly as long to resolve (our quick stop by the Sullivan picnic table cleared it right up), but it is no less a horny issue. Thankfully, we have photos to compare.

Before you click over to the photos linked below, take a moment to consider if these are things you really want to see.

We know there are people who would rather NOT see them, but unfortunately those people will not be blocked from this site until midnight 07/19/07, so please be careful.

Here you go.

DOWNLOAD KIM REVEALED
 

07/16/07

SPECIAL GIFT

We know people are anxiously awaiting the Download Kim photos and article, but we also knew everybody would really not want to miss the following story, so our revealing photos of Download Kim are put off until tomorrow.

SlingShot flatly refuses any compensation, sponsorships, or remuneration of any kind for the articles and content found on American Road Cycling.

However, he recently received an offer that was so attractive it was impossible to refuse.

The race team management over at DKNY offered to give him a free race team jersey. SlingShot was immediately flattered, because he knows everybody else had to pay for theirs, but he still had to think about accepting such a kind gift.

Of course, SlingShot has only ever been seen in his Bobby Bones jersey. Those primo jerseys are no longer made, and SlingShot has the last seven of them (that the Widder could find on the Internet), but he is aware that someday he will have to make a change. Lycra only lasts a few decades (after the stench begins) before the decay sets in.

Shot was very excited by DKNY/Stinkature Silos' offer of an official race team jersey...free of charge. That meant he could test-drive a new jersey in preparation of any necessary changes to come.

Therefore, he decided to bend his no-sponsorships rule just this one time, so DKNY/Stinkature Silos ceremoniously presented the Shot's new race team jersey just prior to Sunday's ride leaving from Paul's house

SlingShot is shown below, just after the ceremony.

SlingShot in his special racing jersey
gifted by DKNY/Stinkature Silos
(photo by: Paul Latrine)

SlingShot reports that his new racing jersey is one of the finest pieces of apparel he has ever received. He asked us to make sure that American Road Cycling makes an extra effort to thank all the staff over at DKNY/Stinkature Silos for the wonderful gift.

American Road Cycling itself would like to give extra thanks to Paul Latrine for providing the photo of SlingShot above.

Usually, everything Paul sends us is self-serving (because that is just the way he is), but this time he has actually gone out of his way to promote a rival team.

What a gracious and thoughtful gesture on Paul's part.

Editor's Note: We just received a notification from eBay that their servers are back up and running after the crash caused Sunday afternoon when people started posting their Skylands Race Team jerseys for sale.

Apparently, everybody recognized that having one of the jerseys seen on SlingShot would have a major impact on their sale value, and everybody wanted to benefit from the windfall by getting their auctions started as soon as possible.

We also should report the WTO (World Texting Organization) called to tell us several major chat rooms, which also crashed, are back up and running.

It seems there was an overload due to the massive number of LOL's being used at the end of such phrases as, "Yeah, them Skylands Race Team jerseys are sure going to be worth a lot now.....LOL....: )"

We are not sure what 'LOL' means, but assume it is "Living Off Lycra" which must be the consortium trade organization that governs the manufacturing of cycling jerseys.

On a sad note, it has been reported that TP Joe Straub (of DKNY) finally beat Skylands Dave Freifelder when Dave got distracted during Sunday's race trying to start his Skylands jersey eBay auction using his iPhone.

Dave said he heard everybody in the peloton talking about SlingShot's jersey, looked down to log-on, and when he looked back up the race was over and Joe had taken second place, right behind some guy wearing wooden shoes.

Under the heading of full disclosure: American Road Cycling must also report that Rich Cruet of The Bicycle Doctor, has phoned with an offer of $1,000, if SlingShot will promise never to be seen in a Team Bicycle Doctor jersey.

That is quite strange, because Kevin Haley himself (winner of numerous Humps) has stated, "I have no problem at all with SlingShot wearing the Skylands jersey... so long as it is never on the same day I am wearing one."

SlingShot was asked about the future of his jersey and says he plans to wear it every day of the week...cycling or not. But that's a whole 'nother story.

07/15/07

HUMP PHOTOS

Hope you didn't miss the photos. Somebody at ARC thought the notice should be repeated above the IMPORTANT MESSAGE below.

The upcoming DOWNLOAD KIM REVEALED article, in which the truth about her will be "fully exposed," is being delayed in order for the IMPORTANT MESSAGE (below) to be held over and read by all.

In the meantime, SlingShot is well on the way to recovery after having had the shit slapped out of him by Download Kim's husband.

Apparently Download Kim's husband said, "That photo of Kim isn't even the best one of her." To which SlingShot queried, "Got any pictures of of your wife naked?"

It is pretty clear that to the answer, "No," SlingShot should not have responded, "Wanna buy some?"
 

IMPORTANT MESSAGE

Smart readers of American Road Cycling will not be thrown off course by this, but this message is so important we will leave it at the top of the home page all week. The new content will be found below. That's a little different from usual; so, please, you smart readers help all the others figure it out.

Robb Daly has passed on to us some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that a MUCH SAFER way has been found around the new QUICK CHECK filling-station, mega-mart, shopping-complex that opened this week next to the BIG-V parking lot.

All rides will now begin by going around THE BACK of BIG-V and QUICK CHECK, then return the same way.

All the asshole motorists are going to be real upset about this, because they had really hoped for an opportunity to squash as many cyclists as their little gas guzzling pimp mobiles could hit.

Too bad, car driving, snack eating, shopping motherfuckers. Robb Daly has outsmarted you again.

Now for the bad news. Robb also passed on a joke.

Q: Why can't bicycles stand on their own?

A: Because they are two tired.

As a general rule, SlingShot makes it a policy to steal all the material published on American Road Cycling. However, this joke is of the sort that definitely required attribution.

Remember everybody: 1) around the back for starts and finishes, 2) stay as far away from Robb as your good taste dictates.
 

07/14½/07

HUMP PHOTOS

07/14¼/07

HUMP REPORT

While photos are being processed, here is a teaser.

TODAY'S MOST BEAUTIFUL CYCLIST

More news: This just in, today Download Kim dropped Poor Latrine. Guess it's time to publish some more photos of her... tomorrow!

07/13/07

NO

07/12½/07

ZIRRA FOR THE TAKING

In lieu of repeating the photo of Download Kim, which has taxed our servers and infrastructure, here is a repeat photo of Zirra. This should stop the hit counter from overheating.

It's only a quarter mile back to the highway. I'll just let go of your neck, and you make a run for it. Ready, set...

See? We knew you'd all like Zirra's photo better!
 

07/12¼/07

BIGGER FUCKING DEAL

The article below should read 28 instead of 27, and 'three' instead of 'two', because Slippery Steve Jinks showed up here last night after SlingShot published the article and went to bed.
 

07/12/07

BIG FUCKING DEAL

Guess the secret to Internet success is bad words, controversial subject matter, and blowing the lid off graft, corruption, and terrorist activities in local government, because yesterday American Road Cycling logged another record for one day viewership.

We [Hey] had 27 separate viewers all in one day which beat the old record of 25 people, set on 05/07/07 and repeated on 07/16/07. That is an increase of two whole human beings, give or take.

What [Cranky,] proved to be an even larger increase were the number of viewers returning for their second, third, and fourth bite of the apple in a single 24 hour period.

Our [quit] typical viewership hovers around 21 (proven human's) which is a significantly higher number than just about every other cycling site which routinely misrepresents attendance due to the lack of sophistication of the tracking techniques used by most web owners, and certainly much higher than the number of true number of visitors routinely lied about by almost all web masters.

Big [skimming] fucking deal. Truth is always rather mundane and is disbelieved because of it.

Editor's Note: There has been a lot of discussion that the lions share of our current success should be attributed to constant mentioning of the possibility that Download Kim's photo might be repeated. You'd be shocked to know how many people got here, then scurried right on over to the Photo Directory trying to figure out where that photo is hiding.
 

07/11¾/07

BEEFCAKE PAYOFF

Apparently all this recent beefcake is paying off, or so it might appear. Somebody has filled out a Membership Form claiming to be Download Kim, but we take claims to such major credentials with a grain of salt.

Of course SlingShot fired off the more or less standard form letter reply. Here it is:

Hi Kim : )

Thank you for taking time to fill out the American Road Cycling membership form.

We will take your claim that you are Kim under advisement, because somebody is always trying to gum up the works, and we have become twitchy about assuming things. Of course, everybody would like to be you (if you are you), so we have to be careful.

The Black Widow will be assigned to walk over to the Sullivan table and confirm with Kim that you are in fact Kim, in case you are not Kim but somebody other than Kim.

A notice will also be immediately placed on the American Road Cycling home page that UV117 has claimed to be "Download Kim."

Thank you again for submitting the form. That means about a dozen or so people (out of the 737 people listed as members) have actually submitted the form, as apposed to having their name picked out of the phone book and pasted in.

Thanks again.

SlingShot
 

Editor's Note: The last time we needed to respond to a Membership Form submittal was 06/20/07. Our published response letter has some information about how SlingShot's Chatter Box postings may also come under the names of SlamCrank, CaliperGirl, and ARC Staff. And so can everybody else be anybody else, but restrictions apply. Everybody may want to go review that letter.

Otherwise, current concerns are that the person who submitted this most recent form is merely pretending to be Download Kim, in order to have the fun of hearing about SlingShot getting his ass shredded by The Black Widow when he says, "See?... Now, can I post the Download Kim photo again?"

As it stands, The Black Widow will confirm Kim's identity first, then shred SlingShot's ass after, because she was going to do that anyway.

07/11½/07

BEN THERE

Yesterday we had another grand arrival on the American Road Cycling website due to a Google search. This time it was for the best possible reasons, the kind of stuff SlingShot lives for, and for which criteria he continues to make the American Road Cycling's historic archives available, in order to make these little bits of information accessible to those who need it.

Whoever the person was, they got here by a web search for one of the names of the people mentioned in an 11/15/05 response to Dan Sullivan's comments included with his Membership Form submittal.

We will not repeat the person's name on this page, because we have noticed that often brings searchers to a dead-end, after the name has moved into the archives.

Suffice it to say, SlingShot's response in the mail link below was in reference to his rant about the graft, corruption, and general malfeasance of Town of Chester Officials when they were complicit and aided and abetted the illegal mining a 20 foot cliff within 4 feet of a local elderly citizen's garage... and the ensuing harassment of that elderly gentleman up to his death about 6 months afterward.

It is a story about political intrigue, underworld money laundering, a mid-east terrorist type connection, and more. You can guess for yourself which name (of the people involved) was the name which drew the Google searcher to American Road Cycling and this intro to the history of those events.

Here's the link to the letter:

SOMEDAY THEY'LL WISH THIS PAGE WAS GONE

07/11/07

IRON MIKE NORTON
(one for the ladies)

And who to our wondering eyes should appear?

Editor's Note: Once again SlingShot demanded of the Widder, "If you're making me publish this sort of shit, I should be able to put Download Kim up again."

"You cannot."

SlingShot did not.

07/10/07

MYSTERY SOLVED

The mystery is finally solved. Here is the elusive Skylands John.

Skylands John

Compare to Sullivan John.

Sullivan John

And here is Catskill John, who was never in  doubt.

Catskill John

There. Next time you're gettin' your ass kicked, you'll know who's doing it.

See the problem? Once upon a ride, and long long ago, the Widder said, "That is Skylands John," as she pointed to Sullivan John. A little later, SlingShot pointed to Skylands John and said, "That is Sullivan John, right?" "Yes," said the Widder.

Couple years later all the finger pointing crossovers became the norm. SlingShot routinely thought everybody was talking about Sullivan when they mentioned Skylands.

The two look similar enough across the parking lot (as close as SlingShot likes to get to anybody) for them to easily be confused.

Of course, nobody was ever confused about Catskill John, because he has the same arm warmers as the Widder. Except for that little episode when he signed up and Twin Lynn asked, "Is Catskill John, Sullivan John?"

To provide a belated answer to Lynn, "No... Sullivan John is Sullivan John."

So the mystery is solved: SlingShot's an idiot.

Editor's Note: The staff wanted to put that photo of Download Kim here again, but the Widder said she'd have SlingShot's head on a platter if he even acted like he'd allow it. He didn't act like it.

07/09½/07

YOUR "ASSAULT ON KAIN ROAD" PHOTOS
HAVE ARRIVED

The rest of you don't even think about it. Very few of the local riders will even attempt this climb. It takes a true man, woman, or transsexual.

When the men finally reached the woman (she had made it considerably farther up before stopping), they got there just in time to see Georgy Girl coming back down to say, "Everybody ok? We really have to do it now. I put all our initials up there. I'll go back up with you, but this time I promise to stay back."

Everybody eventually made it, but of course photos only exist for the pre-ride festivities.

Also, we have: A SPECIAL LINK FOR CRANKY

07/09/07

THE SPIDER BITES

From: Nuclear Dan
Re: Missed Ride

Hi Mary,

I just got your email today, Sunday.

I've been very ill for the last few days. When I got home from the Tuesday ride, I developed a fever and a severe headache which escalated for several days .

I was bed ridden, and the doctor didn't know what was wrong . Then a few days ago I noticed a tender spot on my back and took a look in the mirror to find that 25 percent of my back had a deep red color like a bad sunburn.

I went back to the doctor, and he thinks I got bitten by a spider and had a bad reaction, so he put me on antibiotics and anti-inflammatory and pain killers (for the migraine that I've had without relief for three days.)

Notice the period inside the brackets, I learned that from Bob.

I'm feeling a little better today but mot much. Hope you had a nice ride.

allrightythen
db

Editor's Note: Yeah, Dan, all of us got bit by The Black Widow in Harriman Tuesday. Everybody has a different reaction. Good to see that despite your weakened state you can harass Bob by pretending he told you to put periods inside brackets instead of quotes.

Here are some photos from last Friday's Assault on Kain to entertain you during recovery.

07/08/07

THE DEVIL CAME DOWN TO GEORGY

DISCLAIMER: No... you do not know who the person below is, nor will you ever, especially if you think you do.

Well, once again SlingShot has shown himself to be a total loser who can't even get the simplest things in his life under control.

He expected his tirade about religion, along with his new association with lepers, would protect him from being accosted in the Hump parking lot.

Turns out mostly everybody likes lepers, so his little corner of the universe (contrary to his best wishes) has only become busier than ever.

In fact, it appears the word has gotten out about his current articles, because yesterday more new IP#'s appeared at the ARC website than in any other single period.

Of course, there was this one unfortunate little incident earlier in the day. In case you missed what prompted publication of the following photo, please thank FG and read his posting (#1328) before continuing.

Here's what I'm saying: The assholes in two motherfucking churches (that's right, two separate shithead church groups) asked her not to return to their asinine services. Religious people are fucking stupid beyond belief! Why would I ever want to be around any of them? How's about the ignorant douchebags in your church. Are they going to invite her in? Oh, that's clever... you're going to 'help' her.
 

Editor's Note: Paradoxically, SlingShot's sentiments above would carry a lot more weight if his rotund ass were not itself so weighty. Otherwise he says, "Can't we all just be left alone?"

He also asks that no recriminations whatsoever be brought against any guessed at or supposed perpetrator of this ignorant act. SlingShot can take care of himself.

After all, you really do not know who did this, and you never will. As always, all reports of the incident are mistaken.

To cleanse the palate, just read Toe Clip's Hump Report (below) once again. It is pretty exciting to find out the Hump has been moved to Brooklyn. This joint has moved uptown.
 

07/07½/07

HUMP REPORT
by: Toe Clip

Today's hump report comes from Brooklyn and is penned by Toe Clip.

Report from the Brooklyn front: THE USUAL, well almost----started the routine out near the front but made sure this time I was gonna ride in someone's draft and conserve.

By lap three suggested to the guy holding second (and who seemed eager to make a move) that we work together. He agreed, and on his signal we made our move.

The problem was, it seemed a few others overheard us and jumped as well. Soon the whole pack joined in as they all anticipated our move, so it didn't work.

Found myself in the middle for a bit and worked my way back up. By the last mile or so, I again found myself in the middle, and started to figure the result for me may be worse than in prior weeks.

Approaching the last half or so I realized how close we were to the end, so I figured I had to do something to prevent an imminent mediocre finish.

The pack was bunched up, so I decided to make a hard move from the outside. Quickly found myself in the lead and decided to work hard not to get blown back again.

I did sense there was a guy right behind me, and when we were within about 50 yards, this guy launched and blew right by me.

The guy previously willing to work with me also passed me and took second.

But there was a gap between me and the rest of the pack, so I sensed today would be my day for a medal.

One other guy slipped by my right at the end by a wheel. So I settled for fourth.

Although I was anaerobic at the end, I think if I got out of the saddle I might have powered my way thru to keep third.

Basically, I need to practice finishing sprints.

Nevertheless, the result was a very pleasant surprise. One thing I learned, the race directors aren't eager to talk to you unless you place.

It turns out the race director is from New Hampton; he gets up extra early to make his ride into the city. That tells me we coulda had more crazy racers from ARC, and OCBC....

Now for the important things in life----time to collect a little fish on a platter.......Peace.

Editor's Note: Toe Clip, you realize of course that nobody likes you anymore. You get any faster, and the dislike will turn to hatred.
 

07/07/07

FLOUNDERING FROM SOME FAN MAIL

All the new stuff has been temporarily bumped in order to provide this follow-up to the FAN MAIL FROM SOME FLOUNDER article of 07/06/07.

For some reason SlingShot feels this is top priority.

When he published the photos of Humberto sent in by Matt Kleiman in the 07/06/07 article below, and also on the Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine, SlingShot assumed Matt and Humberto had been in touch and that Humberto sent Matt here.

Turns out it was a total surprise to Humberto, who phoned and thanked us then sent the following e-mail:

Hey Bob,

There is something that I have to tell you.

When I came to this country in 1986, I did not speak much English at all... and I still don't today!

All I knew was that I wanted to be a bicycle racer. I was very lucky to meet Matt, Joe, Doug, and Robert.

They all put up with me for a long time. I went with them everywhere.

They all have great families who helped us a lot—driving us all over the country.

So I just wanted to thank them all for everything. These guys taught me everything that I know about cycling.

Thank You!!!!!

Humberto Cavalheiro
 

Editor's Note: Everybody at American Road Cycling has been putting in overtime trying to understand Humberto's e-mail. We are pretty confident we will be able to figure it out, but it is one of the most subtle examples of trash talk we have ever seen. It reads almost as if he actually likes those people.

07/06¾/07

WEIRDEST WEB SEARCH

Here's the strangest Google returns that brought somebody to the American Road Cycling website, than we have seen in awhile.

CHECK OUT THIS SEARCH

We can only hope that English is this person's first language, else our little website may cause them actual psychological damage. Probably will anyway.

07/06½/07

CHATTER BOXERS

FG stops by as today's assault on Kain Road begins.
 

07/06/07

FAN MAIL FROM SOME FLOUNDER

Recently American Road Cycling was fortunate to receive two photos from Matt Kleiman for adding to the Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine.

Here they are with Matt's email copied after, followed by a clarification from American Road Cycling.

Bob,

Here are 2 photos. The first is of Humberto during his first year as a 'senior' racing in Central Park. The second photo is a different angle of the same photo that you have on the Humberto page.

from left to right:

Aaron Newland (not Tyler Hamilton)
George Hincapie (14-15 yr old national champ)
Paul Pisani (7-11 Development Team) -- he won this race
Jonas Carney (7-11 Development Team; 16-17 yr old national champion)
Matt Kleiman (me)
Doug Corey (teammate with Humberto)
not sure who is in yellow
Rob Chuvala (teammate with Humberto)
Trevor Silvera -- far right

As far as Humberto as a racer "back in the day," do not believe anything he tells you. He is probably too modest; he was incredibly talented and VERY strong.

Thanks again for creating the website. I got an email from Joe Ball and think it is really cool.

-- Matt Kleiman

Thanks Matt. The top photo does appear as if it might be an actual photo of Humberto, however the person shown does not look nearly enough like a dehydrated old Chinese guy.

Below is your other submitted photo repeated with the one  from the Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine which you referenced. We have put the two together in order to facilitate comparison, because we have to disagree with you on a few minor points.

1) Obviously these photos are not of the same race, because almost each and every rider in the photo you submitted (the one on top) has their head tilted in a totally different direction than the riders in the authentic photo below it. It is a rather clever counterfeit, but we take pains to ferret out bogus photos and have caught this one flat out.

2) One can also see that the upper photo is incorrect, because the left most rider in the top photo has a blue jersey, while the one in the photo below has a gray jersey. You will agree that is a rather glaring difference.

3) We also noticed that the start banner in the upper photo has red letters while the one on the bottom has gray letters. We are sorry to see that you did not notice.

4) Of course, the most blatant problem with the photo you submitted is the total omission of Humberto in favor of a George Hincapie impersonator. Everybody knows that all photos taken at the supposed time of your photo always included Humberto as the focal point. He has shown us hundreds of them, so we know this to be a fact. How could you miss that?

5) We give you your Tyler Hamilton correction, because we feel bad for you.

Anyway, nice try, especially the hilarious note about Humberto being modest. Man, we are still laughing over that!

Thank you for adding to the Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine in this smallest of ways of which you were capable, because we are hoping photos of Humberto will eventually make him the most downloaded person on American Road Cycling, a spot now held by Kim.

Editor's Note: Keep those cards and letters coming in.
 

07/05/07

THE OUTING OF SLINGSHOT
by: SlingShot

Here's the deal. Generally speaking probably only my close friends know this, so I guess its time to put it out there.

I absolutely positively (and in no uncertain terms) hate sea food. It repulses me in ways that I cannot express, in ways that only a person born and raised in the Midwest can understand.

When I watch people tearing apart a lobster in a so-called high quality restaurant, I am generally on the verge of wretching.

I call those things "giant insects of the sea," and I never can understand how people can crack them apart and gnaw on their innards while cooing little sounds of butter drenched ecstasy all the while.

Not the least of my disgust comes from the rank, rotten dumpster-soup stench of those things. My best friend in childhood was Chinese (still is) and his family routinely had home-cooked lobster.

Did you know cooks throw the things alive into boiling water, and if you listen real close you can hear them screaming to their death. How sweet is that?

To be thorough, there was a time a few years ago when one of my friends (a gourmet chef) convinced me that they could make sea food I would like, and the reason I hated sea food was because I always got the rotten shit served in restaurants.

Although I broke out in a sweat trying to touch my lips to the swordfish they cooked up one evening, I was surprised to find that the foul and putrid fishy taste which tensed me into expectation never happened.

I calmed down enough to eat the whole thing, then spent the next month trying various types of cooked and uncooked fish in "great restaurants," but alas, the swordfish event was an anomaly and never repeated. I hate the stuff.

But my coming out about my sea food aversion is not the point here. I have bigger fish to fry.

This article is the definitive answer to why religious assholes so vehemently hate gays, even though they profess to "love" them while hating the "lifestyle choice" and calling it a "sin."

However, in order to do that effectively, I must first make a confession of sorts.

Before I do that, though, I must provide the following, so the fairer sex among us will not be totally disgusted by some of the things I must describe.

Since I have to make certain references to sex, and because the juxtaposition of the image of SlingShot to anything remotely having to do with sex will be so upsetting to any actual (maybe even some quasi-) women who may be reading this, please take a look at this photo.

Grant Salter, 4th of July ride

No, the above photo is not chicken porn. He ain't that young, nor is he all that fast either. It is merely a picture of Grant Salter that the Black Widow snapped during yesterday's ride from Paul's.

Yes, Grant was formerly a Chippendales Dancer, which was mentioned previously on this website, but everybody thought it was a joke.

As an aside, if I hear the Widder gasp one more time how cute he is, I'm going to cook her up like a lobster.

But back to the main point: In order for all the ladies in the audience to avoid nightmares after hearing SlingShot talk about sex, please erase all other images you may have in your heads associative to SlingShot, and pretend the photo above is in fact the Shot himself. Pretend it is that person above who is confessing to the following tale of salaciousness. If that doesn't make the following almost palatable then nothing will, which is likely.

So here we go. Got that picture in your head?

Sorry, wait a minute. I'd better apply a little preface.

I put all the following together in my head a couple years ago during the last TV flurry of gay bashing, when an inordinate number of right-wing, you gotta change your ways, asshole spokes-fuckers, once again were on the rampage about how, "It is a lifestyle choice."

Finally, I heard enough of it and started yelling at the TV (something the Widder always finds pleasing), "What the fuck is wrong with you people? How can you all be so uniformly stupid and out of touch with reality. Oh, that's right, you are religious. The basic requirement of entry into your little club of Pokers is a stupid belief in non-existent bullshit."

However, that outburst was only after I had done some very long and serious soul searching. which had been ramped up over the previous couple weeks as I endured this babble-crap bigotry.

First, I thought of my own sexuality (ladies, please put on your Grant Salter visors now). and what I realized was this, which I must now confess.

I am positively without a shred of doubt, and with no wavering in my entire life, a devout and committed... now, excuse me if I have to say it out loud, a heterosexual. I have known this since the age of 3 years old at least... with no question whatsoever. In fact it has always been such a basic fact of my existence that I have never even considered it might be special in any way, at least not until I got to NY and started cycling.

[Now ladies, I am counting on you to have put on your Grant Glasses.]

I have known it since the age of three (at least), because that is the age I was caught behind the large natural gas cylinder behind our family restaurant with my four year old neighbor.

The only thing I remember is her slightly loose blue shorts, and a particularly fine and pristinely smooth inner thigh. Which inner thigh had my hand running up and down it for a rather long time—which was not nearly long enough.

Of course, I was told much later that one of us had eventually talked her out of her shorts, and everything else besides.

I don't remember that part, nor the beating I got for my involvement. I just remember those creamy thighs and the blue shorts—just like the ones the Widder has to wear around here quite often.

At this point I would like to apologize for not having provided a better picture to substitute for what you may remember of the Widder, but that is life. Deal with it.

In any case, I hope you didn't miss the point that I was beaten for my affair with the neighbor girl. That's how all types of sex are handled in the Midwest. It is all bad: hetero, child-on-child, wedded with protection, you and your hand, whatever. It is ALL bad.

Wait, I almost forgot.

I also remember the part about how I was treated as a pariah, for the remainder of the time I can remember in that location, and how the rest of the kids in my girlfriend's family actually used to throw rocks at me.

Plus, I failed to mention another memorable moment lying with her on the floor of the room just off our living room. There was a skirt involved—much like all the Widder's new ones—and a tricycle which was alternately ridden by me in the living room in the game of "going to work then home again," which all added to the excitement, but which all happened before we were never allowed to be in the same place alone again.

Now, I have a whole bunch more similar images that I could relate. Actually I would say an incredible number, but this has been probably too much already, and it is certainly taxing the image of Grant to the breaking point. I am hopeful it is more than enough to give insight into the following.

When I see a woman of the correct body proportions (or a wide range of variations similar), my physical reaction is not (in any way), even in the slightest, a "subtle" response. It is like having a sledge hammer bounced off my chest, and it has always been that way. It can actually be just as painful in some very odd associated ways.

As long as I can remember, I have always considered the appearance of men to be repugnant and well, phtoouie, just like sea food.

Even to the point that my own body has mostly disgusted me, most of my life, and I can remember early on seeing the preening males in the hometown of my childhood and wondering, "How in the world can they think that girls would like that in the slightest."

Then I would think, "But how might I get those same girls to ignore their disgust of my own person long enough to allow me to get my face back in one of their skirts or two. Maybe if I'm nice to them."

[Look, you were warned to keep that picture of Grant in your head, so pay the price for your inattention.]

Ok, so that's just a quick glimpse at the 10 million or so such instances that went through my head when I questioned, "How the fuck can these shit brained religious assholes think that being gay is a 'lifestyle choice'? Isn't it just totally fucking obvious to them that this kind of response isn't 'chosen' or 'learned'. It just 'exists.'"

"If somebody says they have a different taste toward a [ok, girls, got Grant in your heads?], you know, a different taste toward a, well... an orgasm, isn't it undeniably obvious that the person is reporting something which is way different from your own experience? Isn't it abundantly clear?"

"Plus who cares anyway? I am absolutely disgusted by sea food, but I don't go out of my way to scream about people who love it while trying to save them from it and making sure nobody else ever eats it. As long as they don't try to stick it under my own nose, what the fuck do I care? I am pretty sure I am never going to 'catch' love of sea food by mere association. The closer I get to it, the more disgusted I get."

Then it hit me: as clear as day, as obvious as anything, and as simple as when I finally realized the sound of one hand clapping.

Anybody who is upset to the point of finding it necessary to go on a talk show and complain about it, or anybody who can believe it is a lifestyle choice, or anybody who finds it necessary to stand screaming in front of the backwoods congregation they are trying to sway with words of gay bigotry, or anybody who can worry for a second that they could become "infected" with this "sin" is, in fact, themselves conflicted about their own sexual orientation, and they are themselves being persecuted by the very same community they are trying support.

Simple isn't it? And obvious once you think about it.

Those poor bastards.

Of course, transgender is a whole 'nother ball of wax, but not in any way that negates the previous discussion, and not in any way that those religious dickfart shithead authoritarian motherfuckers will see as different anyway.

Still... poor bastards.

Sorry ladies. Here's another photo of Grant to cleanse your palates.

Grant Salter, 4th of July ride

Editor's Note: The above photo of Grant is for educational purposes only. It is not meant for the titillation of any transgender oddities who may or may not be reading this site.

Also, SlingShot would like us to mention that if he himself ever got his gender changed, he would then be a transgendered female who was also a lesbian, and so he would keep all his original parts in order to save money on sex toys, and also just in case surgical procedures could not do a perfect job of making something else feel like something else. Sort of how his $40,000 dollar Noritake Porcelain teeth still don't feel like real teeth, so he would keep the original manufacturer parts anyway.

In any case, SlingShot says, "Look... plenty of ladies have enjoyed playing with the equipment, and so have I on my own. If I were to become a lady, I would keep all as is. I would sure hate to wake up one morning and miss it. But that's just me."

Oh, great! Now we've done it. Better run that photo again.

Grant Salter, 4th of July ride

Ok, Widder, stop looking at the photo and git back to work.
 

07/04½/07

4th OF JULY PHOTOS

Comment of the Day: Lauren Warren (The Angel, Lougie, Lougie Angel, and very accomplished competitor) takes off downhill.

The Widder (The Devil, and very accomplished pain in the ass) takes off after her. Paul says, "There she goes..."

And Jim Amels (BLASTER, and shown above) replies, "You get a picture from behind of both of them going downhill like that and call it "Crouching Tigers."

Perfect!
 

07/04/07

SACRAMENT
by: SlingShot

Yesterday, I dropped by The Bicycle Doctor to pick up a set of new wheels. Rich Cruet (proprietor) lent me a pair to try, and they were perfect, so it was time to buy a factory fresh set.

Later when I came back to pick up my bike, the following discussion took place.

Shot: "So Rich, you gave your solemn promise that with these wheels I could be the first one up Ridgebury, right? Not that I "would" be, just that I "could" be.

Rich: "No. I said you would be the first of your kind up Ridgebury."

Rewind a bit: When I first came through the front door of the shop that day, I saw immediately that one of those very special moments was in full progress.

A young girl was there with her parents getting a new bike. Maybe it was her first bike. Maybe it was an upgrade. Whatever it was, it was obviously a major event for the 10 year old.

Therefore, I knew it was best to leave my bike and get the hell out of the way as quickly as possible.

Readers of this website are well aware how special that moment of getting a new bike is, and for a 10 year old it is certainly a major lifetime event.

Surrounded by beautiful machines of freedom, being the center of attention, having the details managed by your parents and a long-time true professional in the business—it is indeed a sacred moment, a religious event.

In fact, I consider such a moment to be significantly more important than any merely religious event, and that is because I absolutely positively HATE religion.

And not in a small way. I hate all religions in a very big way.

I hate religion, because it is specifically designed to dumb people down, to make them blind followers of the beliefs and words of others.

I hate religion, because religion's major expression in this country (Christianity) routinely teaches hatred and intolerance on a grand scale despite the innumerable times the so called model (Christ himself) is reported to have espoused tolerance and forgiveness, and despite its continual overly loud contentions to the contrary.

I hate religion for its insane insistence that the "group" is always more important than the "individual" and therefore inordinate time is spent trying to ply individuals into the insidious grasp of the group, where that individual is expected to relinquish all thought in favor of observance, where that individual is taught to believe that "words" are more important than "deeds," such as where the saying of the word "fuck" is horrid, whereas the sending of a bomb into the crib of a child on the other side of the world in the name of "God" is quite acceptable.

I hate religion, because it invariably sets the stage for horrid unfeeling, uncaring dickheads to free their Scooter Libby sycophants, and then successfully deflect criticism merely by using the red herring statement, "But the dickheads who were here before us did worse!" at which moment all the "word controlled" followers will simply believe that this is a rational statement simply because it was said.

I hate religion, because it unfailingly creates an atmosphere where a local mayor can be pushed to the breaking point and into beating the shit out of a developer who has stolen the very water from the public stores, only to have the criticism deflected from the developer and his accomplice lawyer by the deft playing of he said/she said thus: "My lawyer said it was ok." And the lawyer says, "No I didn't."

But everybody who knows the players will know the lawyer did say it, and that his client knew that he said it in full knowledge how easily it would be for both to lie about it later in order to deflect attention from their own unconscionable bullying by simply stating, "This is religious intolerance."

And I will continue to hate religion, and its wretched attempts at drawing me into a mindless group of followers with coffee chats, holiday dinners, and such, for at least as long as fighter-jet pilots keep saying (without fail) such things as, "I felt a great deal of fear flying into the war zone, and only my faith in God allowed me the strength to drop the bombs."

To which they hardly ever add, "Of course, I knew hapless young innocents were also likely to be blown into tiny little bits of bloody flesh, but it was such a very important bombing."

Unfortunately, the only possible sure fire solution to the problem of religious nincompoops is to line them up in massive groups and put bullets wholesale through each of their heads, but that has already been tried many times before by more callous hands than mine, and it has proved a totally worthless approach.

On the other hand, I uh...wait a minute, I got distracted. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The young girl getting her bike.

In any case, the bike purchase was so much more important than even, for example, will be her First Communion, or her Confirmation where she will become a little soldier of God, because those things will teach her to follow blindly the wishes of others, whereas with this bike she might eventually grow up to kick the asses of men half her age and even a transsexual or two.

I personally know one young girl who grew up to do just that.

In summary, I have to say I really love the new wheels that Rich Cruet picked out for me. They are extremely quiet, strong, quick, responsive, and they look great on my bike.

In Harriman yesterday, after Eat Shit and Die Hill (what we call the last long hill before the 106 descent), The Black Widow said, "Two weeks ago you had to work a lot harder on that hill, plus we dropped you half way up it—at about the same speed. Today you were there to the top. Your new wheels really helped."

The Black Widow is compulsive about paying attention to her speed up hills, and she has benchmarks all over the place... about a dozen or so just on that one hill. Of that process she says, "The better to kick the asses of men half my age."

I would tell you the make and model of the wheels I got, but it is best to let Rich Cruet at The Bicycle Doctor help you with that, because he is not in any way the religion-hating motherfucker that I am. Plus, he may actually choose better wheels for you, because your own goals may be slightly different from mine.

My goal is to be the first of my kind up Ridgebury.

Editor's Note: SlingShot has requested that not one single word (ever) be said to him (by anyone) trying to change his stance on religion, because he has lived far too long, and seen far too much, to be swayed even in the slightest by theocritical dialectic.

SlingShot knows bullshit when he hears it, so don't bother.

If this upsets you, just make sure none of your kids ever sees this website. Better yet, merely stop coming to it and reading it yourself, and SlingShot will eventually shut it down.

07/03/07

FILLER

We need to catch up on a few things.

First, we need to save Georgy Girl from further disappointment. It was a bit of a waste for her to go to all the trouble filling out a Membership Form, because only about a dozen (crazy) people have ever actually filled one out.

The rest of the names on the Membership list were basically taken from the phonebook and copy/pasted there by SlingShot himself, hoping to harass a horrid regime now on the run.

Our main concern is that Georgy Girl believed there is a requirement to fill out a form in order to kick the asses of Cranky, Lynn, Mary, and Paul. Not required. It has been our experience that kicking their asses is more or less unavoidable, submitted form or not.

Also, Georgy seems to have missed the archived rollovers. We are going to take a chance in light of the fact we have never heard of anybody ever getting bored with looking at the rollovers, so here's a link to help Georgy Girl get there herself while risking also sending people who would rather not go to Rollover Heaven.

Secondly, it was not so long ago we started the Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine. Some of you might not have realized that although the top photos were a repeat of photos from an associated article, there are a number of new photos below them.

Afterwards Humberto sent us some feedback that he received regarding his new Fanzine:

Humberto,

This is a great write-up about you. It is also great to see all those pictures, as I am in many of them. I sent it on to Matt Kleiman, because I know he is looking for some old photos of our cycling days.

I am sorry we were not able to get together when I was in NY, but my trip was cut short, because I had to attend some business meetings in Bangkok. Due to the those  meetings, I did not bring a bike and was not in Cornwall as many days as I had planned.

My main purpose for being in Cornwall was an engagement party for my brother and his fiancée, so I will be back in the area over the next several months while they plan the wedding. I will definitely let you know the next time that I will be in town. Hopefully we can get together.

BTW - I will be in France for some business meetings this coming week, so on Friday I will fly to London for the weekend to see the start of the Tour!! I am pretty excited. I have been to a few classics and cyclocross races in Europe—but never the Tour. I will send pictures when I return from my trip.

Best regards,

Joe Ball

We will get more info about who's who in the photos, but in the meantime you might like to take another look at the Humberto Cavalheiro Fanzine.

Thirdly, SlingShot is going to ask Humberto if he could plead with Joe (who we believe is not the famed serial killer) to take him along on his next trip to Bangkok, drop him off in Patpong, and forget him.

The last time SlingShot was there he enjoyed himself more than a day on the Hump—despite getting bird shit all over his tuk-tuk.

RELATED FILE PHOTO

Editor's Note: Please excuse the above insider world traveler jokes... but then, you probably didn't even notice any jokes.
 

07/02/07

GEORGY GIRL

Last Friday, SlingShot was outside the Endico studio waiting for Palletman to show up for a ride.

He was only mildly aware that somebody was approaching when he heard a deep voice say "Great day for a ride!"

He only looked up quickly from his bicycle to recognize it was George, his down-the-street cycling neighbor who is also a highly successful computer guru.

SlingShot merely said, "Sure is!" and looked back down at his bike.

However, the picture of the encounter played through Shot's mind again—as if on auto tape delay.

George passed by again, but this time there was a little sparkle of an oddity in the image. A flashing blue highlight pendulummed below the fading image of George's left ear. It was a beaded triangle like a blue fringe, but it was only a half image really, and only partially acknowledged.

Suddenly SlingShot froze with the thought, "Wait a minute, did George have on earrings?" So he looked back up at George who was now walking away.

Sure enough, earrings it was. And... a short denim skirt, plus platform wedge sandals of some sort. This was some serious statement.

So Shot ran inside, grabbed the Widder over to the window and said, "See that tall good lookin' babe in the mini-skirt across the street?"

"Yeah?"

"That's George."

"Ok. Well, Palletman called, and he'll be 15 minutes late."

George was already back in his car by the time SlingShot got back outside.  George yelled across the street, "Have a good ride. I'm going out a little later."

"Why don't you ride with us? We're waiting for Palletman, and he won't be here for another 15 minutes. "

"I think I can make it. I'll go home, get dressed, and ride back."

So that's how it began.

SlingShot had panicked and taken the opportunity to hurry-up and get George out of her flamboyant clothes and into something more sedate and acceptable: something like multi-colored Lycra, festooned in giant emblazoned corporate logos; plus little Velcroed Poulaines trimmed to match a pin striped clear coated cycling machine fashioned from exotic materials—like the ones we all ride. You know, something more toned down like that... with gadgets and chrome accents all over.

In any case, the ensuing ride was mostly an extended discussion trying to come up with a better, more fitting and feminine name for George.

Of course, SlingShot's favorite name, given that we need to avoid confusing characters on this website, would be to enforce a distinction between her and Twin George (who Twin Lynn often calls Georgie) thus: Trans George.

Otherwise, it would be hard to draw any distinction whatsoever between the two.

But somehow the name Trans George didn't seem to be nearly feminine enough. So we tried thinking of all the most girlishly feminine diminutives we could come up with. Finally, in order to make sure nobody ever fails to notice the fullness of George's womanhood, we are now calling her Paul.

Which explains one of the most recent Chatter Box postings (#1293), in case you were interested.

Editor's Note: Probably SlingShot will immediately get on a kick with this and talk about nothing else. He said, "That banana thing? Old hat. And so are the hats."

Also, the Widder is all pissed off, because Georgy Girl has bigger tits.

Also, the Widder is upset because she liked George but hates all women, so now...well, there's going to be a lot of half-wheeling involved.

Also, the Widder is, on the other hand, very happy, because she is certain she will soon get to say, "There ya go, bitch. Now you know what it feels like to get your ass kicked by a real woman!"

There is sure to be more on this, so the squeamish among you (especially those who are word sensitive) should take this opportunity to point your browsers elsewhere.

After all, this ain't the only website in town.
 

07/01/07

THE LONG AWAITED

HUMBERTO CAVALHEIRO FANZINE

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