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How I Beat Humberto
by: The Metal Man

this page last updated: 02/01/2015 10:39:08 PM

I was talking to some people about my successes (one in particular), and somebody said, "You should write a story and call it, "How I Beat Humberto, by The Metal Man," so here it is.

I am the Metal Man, you may have seen me on your computer monitor, because I work as the pacer icon for Computrainers. I can pretty much go as fast as anybody might wish, and I am extremely efficient. My bosses have told me I am not allowed to tell anybody how I decide how hard to go, or I'll get fired, so I'm not going to say much about the process. I'm not even allowed to mention my body weight.

In any case, awhile back I had an occasion to race Humberto Cavalheiro. He is a fierce competitor, but I used all the guile and tactic I have learned over the years (just one actually), and I kicked his ass by one second in a 21.4 mile race. As with every other top competitor, a one second win is plenty good enough for me, although I much prefer one hundredth of a second.

After the race, Humberto turned his back on me, and I swiped his training log. Here's what he had written in it:

I checked my records, and my best ride ever was with the computer. I had the Metal Man set at 400 watts from the start, and I did a rolling start. Then I moved Metal Man's watts up to 500. My average speed for 21.4 miles was 27.1 mph.

I never did that again.

I did get up to a 27 mph avg one more time, and many over 25 mph avg, but only some over 26 mph avg, and most of the time I do 24 mph avg.

At the end of the 27mph rides I really thought I was going to die. I was in some truly deep fucking pain.

My hardest (sometimes Personal Best) rides, I can only do with the Metal Man. I can not have anybody around me. I must have 100% concentration, and I draft 100% of the time at no more than 7 to 10 foot spacing to Metal Man.

Here are the specs on my personal best:

So there you have it. Humberto's results which he never wanted you to see. Ordinarily I wouldn't comment. Like I mentioned I am the Metal Man, and I'm not allowed to talk about the details of how I do what I do.

Unfortunately, that motherfucker SlingShot is figuring it out all on his own (and get this) from real world data and the new generation ride meters, so I may as well spill the beans on how I beat Humberto. SlingShot says any idiot who can read should be able to figure it out on their own anyway.

Notice that Humberto's average speed is higher than my own, yet I beat him by 1 second. Notice his peak speed is higher than mine, yet I beat him by 1 second. Notice his average watts are lower than mine, but his average speed was higher. (Well, ok. The motherfucker was drafting me. He's not a total idiot.) Notice his peak watts were 534 while mine were only 500.

That's peak wattage is where I basted him. I suckered the asshole into overreaching. I made him blow, kiddies, I made him blow!

Here's what that jerkhead SlingShot would say about it, because he thinks he knows stuff, but don't you believe it. You just keep riding the way you always have.

This is a classic example of how The Hump is won, and how the Computrainer is best used. You will notice that Humberto mentions he can only get his maximum results with nobody around. Of course, there is not an authority on the planet that doesn't caution cyclists that riding in a group can be the worst thing for their development.

COMMANDMENT 5 - TRAIN WITH GROUPS INFREQUENTLY

The commandment number 5 above comes from page 10, Friel 1996. An even better example might be how Nuclear Dan stopped coming to the Club Monday Night Recovery Rides, because they, "...were getting too fast."

That was kind of my fault, and The Widder's, and Sharon's, and The Maniacs, because we had gotten the general pace over 21 mph, and that included Heart Attack hill. We couldn't help ourselves, but Nuclear Dan Buckley could. He stopped coming.

And his complaint about effort was not just idle chatter. Some years later he showed me his training log spreadsheet (which most of you wouldn't even think existed), and he had his training routines down to the heart beat. He was also winning his races, and beating lots and lots of people in younger age groups.

Therefore, when Humberto mentions he can only get his best efforts with just him and the Metal Man, that is also not idle chatter. You will notice he also mentions: concentration.

The Hump specifically, and all other group rides in general, are specifically designed to trick you off your program. The whole game is for everybody trying to trick everybody else out of the ride. Unfortunately, that is the major fun and attraction. It also points out the other element obvious in Humberto's personal bests. He has to get behind the metal man and draft close.

He is using the game aspects of cheating the wind, following that wheel, catching that motherfucker in front, to tease the best performance out of himself. So the irony here is that group rides are bad, but often helpful. They can bring you out of yourself and past expectation.

On our recent rides after Mary got her watt meter, we are constantly amazed how performance specs can blaze up unexpectedly, and how hard it is to be aware of it in the heat of any given moment. Recently in specific tests, Mary was hard pressed to push her watts over 400 watts, but the next day in a "recovery" ride she had a maximum 440 watts just trying to latch back onto my wheel when I surged. Makes you think, doesn't it.

In summary, the Metal Man is a cold hearted, dispassionate robot of a rider. He doesn't give a fuck whether you are beating him or not. He doesn't care if it's uphill, downhill, or flat. He has his assigned watts, and he is sticking to it. If he can make you believe just one time, "Here's the hill. This is the important one," and trick you into peaking your watts past prudence... you are one fucked puppy. Maybe by just a second, but fucked just the same.

See, that's probably how SlingShot would have said it. Given the opportunity (something I never give) he would probably have mentioned you should take a look at the narrow range of watts differential for me above, and how wide Humberto's was. Even though Humberto's average watts were lower than mine (what with the drafting), his watts differential  was much higher.

Thank you for that one little second, Humberto, I really enjoyed it. On the other hand, I didn't mean to help you reach your best performance ever, and I am sorry for that. Next time, I'll try to fuck you harder.
 

Editor's Note: After we received the above article from The Metal Man, we checked with Humberto to see if it would be ok to publish his Computrainer results, and he very graciously allowed us to do it. For a newbie, or an idiot, or a Cranky (which is both), it might not be obvious how gracious it was for Humberto to allow this, so put it in context: it is just as if you said to the world, "Look over here. I have dropped my drawers, and you can see all my stuff."

I myself would never ever do that, because my stuff is so large and attractive it would cause a traffic jam.

There is an old story in a local club about two strong competitors riding together when one noticed the other was getting a slight edge by a subtle tactical maneuver. On noticing the tactic the first rider immediately twisted his HR monitor out of view, so his rival couldn't gain the advantage of seeing it (he'd been looking) and knowing how many pulses he was pulling.

However, Humberto is retired from racing, so he doesn't care whether you see his stuff or not, so long as you keep your hands off it. It's just like the outline requirements of the Widder's Hump. We don't care if you are in front of our program, behind our program, or oblivious to our program. We just have a goal and are working towards it.

Still, it is very nice of Humberto to let us look at his stuff.

this page last updated: 02/01/2015 10:39:08 PM
 

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